http://digest.creaders.net/articleViewer.php?atid=280457&id=286349
结了婚的女人，在一起谈得最多的就是老公和孩子，孩子当然是自家的好，而老公往往不尽人意。 同女友在MSN上遇到了，她问：一夜情如何，办公室恋情怎样？我笑笑说：第一兔子不吃窝边草，产生美感绝对需要距离；第二我不玩婚外恋和一夜情，倒不是我忠贞，只不过我把婚姻这盘棋看得太清楚了。
想当初我以未嫁的少女之身，尚未寻到更好的另一半，如今生过孩子的身体，胖的时候是松软的面口袋，瘦的时候是失去弹性贴着骨头的一层皮，就好象河水永远不会流过同一块石头两次一样，做了母亲的人，永远无法同那些没生育的少女比。也许穿上衣服还能抵挡一阵，一旦坦诚相对，立刻显出原形。
再说那些甜言蜜语的男人，根本是老少通吃，他能睁着眼睛说瞎话，把见过的每个女人都夸得跟朵花儿似的，你要会错意动了情，那可怨不得人家。 这世上是没有十全十美的人，他若细腻，恐怕魄力上就稍稍欠缺一点，他若独当一面呢？也许在体察你内心的时候就要迟钝一点，倘若你下嫁，丈夫对你体贴的时候肯定多，可要是你高攀了，也许他照顾你的小脾气的时候，就不会永远那么有求必应了。 婚姻说到底是一个平衡和成长的过程，两个当初被荷尔蒙冲昏了头脑的男女，在锅碗瓢勺的碰撞中，会慢慢把爱情转化为亲情，一种不同于兄弟姐妹的轻轻，你若老活在初恋的发梦阶段拒绝和婚姻一起成长，也就要有婚姻触礁的心理准备。 千万别犯傻以为下一段婚姻是你的救赎，眼前这一对原配的蟋蟀尚且经营不好，经历了百孔千疮的第二次恐怕会更遭，因为两个人恐怕都有过去，而两个人也都不可避免地会把现在的不好同以前的好进行比较，永远是吃锅望盆，喜欢自己得不到的东西。 夫妻齐心，协力断金，再不济的婚姻，只要有化腐朽为神奇的信心，就有转败为胜的可能。
在婚姻里，世界上最优秀的男人就是你老公，在婚姻外，世界上最龌龊的男人则是你前夫。世间所谓幸福的婚姻，大抵少不了这点掩耳盗铃的精神。
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
zt: 在美国育儿的“痛苦”经历
董月玲
http://digest.creaders.net/articleViewer.php?atid=280444&id=286332
十多年前，蔡真妮移居到了北美，那时，儿子小州7岁。后来她又生了女儿凯莉、儿子三猪。现在，他们一家住在美国的宾夕法尼亚州，仨孩子分别上高中、小学和幼儿园。
蔡真妮大学念的是师范，在国内当过老师，教育孩子有自己一套想法。但到美国生活后，异质文化的冲击，使她的育儿方法不得不改变，先前习以为常的手段，被硬生生地拧了过来。
经历过用国外方式管教孩子的“痛苦”后，蔡真妮真切地领悟到了中美教育观念上的差异。
咱们拿孩子当“物”，他们把孩子当“人”
出于职业习惯和当妈的责任，来到国外，蔡真妮特别留心人家是怎么管教孩子的，通过点滴生活小事，细细地品味观察着。
“老外当父母的，特别尊重孩子，跟小孩说话，父母都要蹲下来，平视孩子。他们把孩子看成一个完全独立的人，从小就让孩子自主，学会自己的事情自己做。比如，到人家做客，主人拿东西给小孩吃。这时，一般中国孩子都要看父母的眼色行事，等爸妈发话才敢动手。老外的父母绝对不表态，拿不拿，吃不吃，是孩子的事，你自己决定好了。
“看他们给小婴儿换尿布，妈妈嘴里会唠唠叨叨的：宝贝，我要给你换尿布了，可能你会有些凉呵，没关系，马上就好。咱们会觉得，小婴孩能听懂啥呀！可人家从孩子很小时起，无论对孩子做什么事，会告诉孩子为什么这样做，父母总是平等地对待孩子。”
在美国这些年，蔡真妮说她没见过一个老外的小孩是大人追着喂饭的，都是自己吃。几个月能抱住奶瓶时，就自己抱奶瓶喝，等到一岁左右，大人给系个大饭兜，小孩就用自己的一套小盘小碗，坐在小孩吃饭的特制椅上，用手抓着吃，抹得到处都是。
“我家老大生在国内，老二从小是姥姥带的，吃饭那叫费劲儿，都是追着喂的。等到三猪时，我自己带得可轻松了。说了你可能都不信，我家三猪现在3岁半，饿了，能自己烤面包、抹果酱吃，拉开冰箱自己倒牛奶喝。凯莉9岁，早餐都是自己弄，吃完了上学去。老大更不用说，从高中开始我就没给他做过早饭，而且到了周末，他还会为全家人做顿早餐呢。老外从小就培养孩子的自理能力，
不像咱们，只要孩子学习好，生活上的事老妈全包了。”
有了三猪后，蔡真妮参加了当地的“妈妈俱乐部”。这个俱乐部有五六十人，全是在家带孩子的母亲，每周活动一次。大家聚在一块，分享育儿心得，带着孩子一起玩。跟这些美国妈妈比，蔡真妮感觉美国妈妈对孩子更放手。
“咱们见孩子摔了，会赶紧扶起来，她们不。两岁小孩摔趴了，妈妈顶多看一眼，该干嘛干嘛。像我女儿小时候跌倒，姥姥不仅要去扶，还要哄着，什么东西磕绊的，还得打那东西几下。这样其实会让孩子有一种心理，不管出了什么错，都怨别人，是别人的责任。老外不这样，你摔跤了，那是你自己不小心，是你的责任。摔痛了吧，下回该知道注意了。”
在“妈妈俱乐部”里，蔡真妮不断地进行比较，自我调整，有意识地接受美国好的育儿观念。她说跟这边华人妈妈比，觉得自己做得不错，但与美国妈妈比，还差得挺远。
美国人牙齿都很整齐，因为大多是经过矫正的，他们认为一个人的笑容很重要。蔡真妮认识的一个中国女孩牙不好，向妈妈提出想矫正牙齿，她妈就说：矫什么矫，好几千块钱呢，不耽误你吃饭就行了。女孩本来就内向，现在笑得越来越少，走路都是低着头。
“想想，她心里该多自卑，多苦恼！老外的孩子牙不齐，脸上长个青春痘什么的，家长可在意了，马上带孩子去看医生。那些美国孩子，不管学习好坏、高矮胖瘦，个个都是趾高气扬，神气活现的，谁都觉得自己特重要，是个人物。”
美国父母不仅注重培养孩子的自信和自尊，对于孩子的品德教育，也极其看重。
有天下午，邻居茹娜让蔡真妮的大儿子小州帮她家割草，蔡真妮也领着三猪在外边玩。突然，她看见邻居家4岁半的卡顿，紧张兮兮地从身边跑了过来，跟他打招呼也不理睬，一溜烟儿地窜进自家后门。
“割完草，小州见我劈头就问：妈，你有没有拿信？我说：没有啊！”原来茹娜要出门，把装着割草工钱的信封放在信箱里，等小州完工了，却发现信箱里是空的。或许是茹娜走时忘了，蔡真妮这么认为，但小州说肯定是让谁拿走了。
做晚饭时，门铃响了，蔡真妮开门一看，是卡顿和妈妈茹娜站在门外。卡顿两眼通红，显然哭得不轻。他手里拿着一个破损的信封，看到蔡真妮就递了过来，信封上写着：给小州，茹娜。
卡顿的妈妈问他：“你要说什么？”
“对不起，我知道做错了，我不会再做这种事了。”卡顿抽泣着说，蔡真妮一下恍然大悟。
卡顿的妈妈讲，她发现儿子在房间里鬼鬼祟祟的，进去一查看，结果在枕头底下找到了钱。最初以为拿的是姐姐的钱，证实是小州的钱后，她马上领儿子还钱、道歉来了。
“为了缓解尴尬气氛，我和她开玩笑说，这孩子这么小，就对钱的兴趣这么大，将来可以去华尔街管理基金了。她叹口气说，卡顿是她家4 个孩子中最聪明的，又是老小，被宠坏了。越聪明的孩子越难管教，现在，已到了让他知道什么是正确，什么是错误的时候了，而且犯了错误要去面对，要自己亲自改正才行。”
送走了卡顿娘俩，一个念头不停地在蔡真妮脑子里转悠着：假如三猪偷了别人的钱，我是否也会有勇气领孩子上门道歉？
任何一种惩罚，都会给孩子心里留下阴影
天底下，哪有小孩子不犯错的。犯了错咋办？打呀！“咱小时候，不就是这样被‘教育’出来的，不打不成器。”没出国时，蔡真妮认为打屁股，是管教孩子正确合理且立竿见影的办法。
“这边，别说老师打学生，我们在家里，都不敢打。”打孩子的后果有多严重，华人老严就是一个活生生的例子。
自认为智力超群的老严，来美国的奋斗目标是当科学院院士，得诺贝尔奖。岂料他的远大前程，竟断送在自己的几巴掌上。
老严的女儿比较迟钝，有一回他辅导女儿学习，一个问题讲了若干遍女儿仍是不懂，老严失去耐心，打了女儿两巴掌。第二天上学，老师见孩子胳膊上有瘀痕，不像是摔伤的，问咋回事，小孩子说是昨晚爸爸打的。这可不得了了，老师马上通知校长，校长立即召集学校负责儿童心理、特殊教育的老师，详细询问孩子挨打的细节，最后通知了警察，警察当即就把孩子领走。很快，老严收到警局通知，他被控虐待女儿，在法院正式判决前，孩子将被放在寄养家庭里，不许老严两口子探望。官司打了近一年，老严被判虐待罪成立，剥夺孩子的抚养权，罚社区劳动几百小时。不得已，老婆和他办了离婚手续，自己申请将女儿从寄养家庭领了回来。
来美国后辛辛苦苦攒下的几万美金，老严全贡献给了律师不说，判决后不久，老板就找了个借口炒了他的鱿鱼。在参加社区劳动的同时，老严满世界地发简历，可没一家单位接收他，因为他有“犯罪记录”。走投无路的老严，最后带着满腔的愤懑和遗憾，领着老婆孩子海归了。
千万不能打！于是，蔡真妮试着用美国方式惩罚犯了错的孩子，这个办法叫“time out”。“这个词，用中文很难直接翻译，有人译成‘隔离反省’，让犯错的小孩单独待在某个地方。这个地方，可以是教室的某个角落，或者家里单独的房间，只要与其他人隔离，不参与众人活动就行。反省时间的长短，一般根据孩子的年龄而定。老外使这招儿特管用。”但蔡真妮用得不顺手，在博客里，她细述了自己使“time out”时的“痛苦”。
凯莉6岁大时，一天，又把蔡真妮气得七窍生烟，她决定使出这个撒手锏。“Time out！”一听到这个词，凯莉当即色变，抓住妈妈的衣服大喊：“我不要！不要！”看来，她在学校里一定见识过这种处罚。蔡真妮听了，暗自解气，呵呵，终于有你怕的事了。
怕关厕所里吓坏她，折中一下，让凯莉回自己房内反省10分钟。“我想，屋里有书、有玩具，随便干点什么，时间一蹭就过去了。可因为我说的是‘time out’，在她心里，这几分钟就是很严重的惩罚。所以，她死死地拽住我的衣服，不肯挪步。”
连拖带拽拉女儿回了屋，这时的凯莉已是嚎啕大哭。蔡真妮说当时都想起了小时候在农村看杀猪，猪被捆绑时的凄厉叫声。等她把女儿拖进屋时，发现自己难以脱身了。
“凯莉两手紧紧抱住我的腰，头伏在我的胸前扭动着，鼻涕一把、眼泪一把全抹在我身上，嘴里还呜噜呜噜地为自己申辩。我想掰开她的手，每次就要脱身时，只听她又是一声惨叫，我一愣神的功夫，她就又缠了上来。天哪！是她被‘time out’了，还是我被‘time out’了？”。
时钟指针一秒一秒地挪动，真是度秒如日，看凯莉痛苦的样儿，当妈的怎能不心疼？挨过了6分钟，蔡真妮受不了了，提前宣布“time out”结束。
经此，女儿的行为好多了，每到关键处，只要一说出这个词，她立刻会收敛，但蔡真妮轻易也不敢再使了。有回到姑姑家玩，凯莉又一次屡错屡犯后，蔡真妮忍无可忍，下决心一定要“time out”。因为知道女儿接下来的反应，蔡真妮对老公说：“我判决完了，轮到你执行了。”
“我老公上前拉女儿的手，一下子就被她像八爪章鱼一样缠上身，连哭带嚎，老公一下子就懵了。转头看我，想让我放女儿一马。我想，岂能就让我一人被女儿‘time out’，我严肃地摇摇头。老公无奈地连抱带拖拉凯莉上楼，女儿凄厉的哭声和老公殷殷劝告声，延绵不绝地沿楼梯向上飘去。可不一会儿，老公就下来了，身上的衣服皱皱巴巴，还沾着黏黏糊糊的东西。”
“这么快就下来了，还不到10分钟呢！”老公抹着头上的汗，说：“6分钟可以了，我已经到极限了！”
三猪因为特别调皮，在他3岁时，蔡真妮不得已就使了这一招，但效果却不尽如人意。
第一次出招前，蔡真妮先解释了无数遍什么是“time out”，但三猪依旧我行我素。开始执行了，他也只是瞪着小眼睛冷静地看着妈妈。蔡真妮把他关进主卧室，又在外头听了，没哭也没闹，看来不会有什么大问题，她回厨房做饭。炒好一个菜后，蔡真妮又返身回去查看，一开门，看到的景象，让她的血压一下子蹿升上来。
“三猪坐在地上，身上、脸上、手上，到处抹着黑乎乎的巧克力，嘴里还大嚼着。看我进来，冲我笑着，一丝褐色的口水顺着嘴角流下来。因为他嗜吃巧克力，我把家里的巧克力都藏在了卧室。这下可好了，趁没人，他翻出来大吃特吃。这哪里是在受惩罚，分明是开洋荤呀！”
第二次，蔡真妮狠狠心，把三猪关进厕所。刚一转身，就听见里边“哗——”的冲水声，过一会儿，又是“哗哗哗”的水声。这小子在厕所里玩起水了。蔡真妮打开门，三猪嬉皮笑脸地，好快活的样儿，“time out”无效。
第三次终于出效果了。这回犯错后，蔡真妮把三猪放进封闭阳台。阳台有落地门和屋里连着，他在外面可以看到屋内人在干什么。“我和他的哥哥姐姐，在屋里又说又笑地吃东西，他趴在门上看着，两只小手使劲拍门上的玻璃，嘴里喊着：让我进去，让我进去！看我们都不理他，小嘴慢慢地瘪起来，眼泪在眼圈里打转。小州看不下去，说：妈妈，让他进来吧！我说再等等，这才一分钟呢。”又过了两分钟，小脸憋得通红的三猪才被放进来，他扑到妈妈身上抽噎不已，蔡真妮就此谆谆教育了一番，希望这次能够生效。
效果是显著的。后来，只要三猪一调皮，当妈的指指阳台，说一句“Time out”，他马上就老实了。但也落下了后遗症，三猪从此不单独到阳台，也不和妈妈一起去，看到蔡真妮一个人进了阳台，他一定要过去把门关上。
“这让我反思：任何一种惩罚，都会给孩子心里留下阴影，还是要少用，不得不用时，也要点到为止。”
美式教育的“绝活”
凯莉上的小学，一年开两次家长会。开会时，老师不是把全体家长召集到一块儿讲，而是单独谈，打开文件夹给家长看，孩子这学期，哪哪哪有进步。比如语文，以前能造俩句子，现在能造4个啦。人际交往上，知道与同学分享自己的东西啦……
“老师不但不告孩子的状，而且说的全是好话。照咱中国父母的思维，就想知道孩子有啥缺点，改正了才进步不是？开始，我直截了当地问，老师绝对不直接讲孩子哪里不好。”
知道凯莉话特别多，蔡真妮忍不住问：她喜欢说话，会不会影响到你上课呢？
“你猜人家咋回答？老师乐呵呵地说：凯莉太开朗了，我非常喜欢。她哪天没来上课，我会觉得教室里少了点什么，一下子没有了生气。瞧瞧，人家多会讲话。我自己的孩子，有时候我都觉得她太吵了，老师能一点没感觉？但她会从好的角度想，把凯莉的多话，绝对看成优点，加以赞扬。”
后来，再开家长会，蔡真妮转弯抹角地问老师：我家凯莉，有没有什么地方，我们可以帮到她，让她做得更好？这么着，老师才会提到不足的地方：“在单词拼写上，凯莉要是再努力一点，可能会减少错误率。”呵，蔡真妮明白了凯莉拼写不太好。
凯莉班上有个男孩，照蔡真妮看，智力肯定有问题，别人做对10道数学题，他能做对一道就不错了。就这样的，老师还不停地表扬他有进步。
从上一年级开始，班干部就是大家轮流当，上讲台演说，人人都有资格，怎么讲都行。那么小的孩子讲话也没个章法，嗑嗑巴巴的，可老师同学都热烈鼓掌，夸好好好！你太棒了！
刚开始，蔡真妮捉摸：是不是就这一个老师这样？她留心观察后发现，不同年级、不同班级的老师全一样，这边的教师受到的基本训练就是如此，否则不够资格。
蔡真妮悟出了美国人教育孩子的最大特色，或者说“绝活”——鼓励。
“他们是千方百计地挑出孩子的优点、亮点，可劲儿地表扬，忽略不足的地方。久而久之，小孩子好的地方就会越来越好，长处会越来越长，而缺点却被慢慢地弱化了。”
小小年纪的三猪有了一句口头禅，不管自己还是别人做了什么，他都要喊一句“Good job！（干得好）”。有一天，幼儿园的老师说起这事儿，笑着问蔡真妮：平时，你都怎样表扬他的？蔡真妮想了想，好像自己说的就是这句“Good job”。
“这就对了。”老师讲：“孩子都是跟外界学的，无论是行为还是语言。这句话，一定是被你用了无数次后，在他心里成了最有力量的表扬话。”老师建议试试用其他表扬、鼓励孩子的词，淡化这句“Good job”。“咱中国人不太习惯，也不擅长夸别人。老外的特点是不说不好、不行这样否定的话，说‘Good’（好），那基本上就是做得很一般，不甚满意了。这里的孩子，无论做完一件多小的事，比如画了一幅画，写了一个字，剪了一个东西，帮了别人一下等等，老师和家长都会表扬。很多时候，还要拥抱孩子给以鼓励。妈妈们‘我爱你’不离口，说得可自然了。他们认为正面的表扬、鼓励和爱，永远都不嫌多。”
隔天，三猪的老师给了蔡真妮一张纸，说：“这个或许对你有帮助。”纸上打印的是，《101种表扬孩子的话》，蔡真妮看了大受启发。
这里边的好多话，现在常挂在她的嘴边：Excellent！（太出色了）；Great work！（做得太好了）；Beautiful！（漂亮）； Fantastic！（太奇妙了）；Awesome！（真了不起）；What a great imagination！（多妙的想象）；Super work！（超级棒）；Super！（极好）； I＇m proud of you！（我为你骄傲）；You really tried！（你确实尽力了）……
蔡真妮的体会是，常说这些表扬话，不光孩子受用，就是大人听了，也会感觉很好。“可以用在夫妻、朋友、同事、上下级等所有和人打交道的时候，用得恰当，一定比‘挺好’、‘不错’、‘对’这样普普通通的字眼效果好，会成为人际关系中绝佳的润滑剂。”
《101种表扬孩子的话》，最后一句是：常对孩子说“I love you”。蔡真妮特别提醒道：这句“我爱你”，一定要挂在嘴上，时常对孩子讲。
尊重孩子选择的权利，这是做父母最起码的原则
小学四年级的孩子，可以在学校学一门乐器，至于学什么，由学生自己选，老师负责教。因为小孩还在长，所用的乐器也是由小到大，不能固定。所以，乐器一般先不买，由家长到店里租。
选乐器那天，教室里放了各种各样的乐器，蔡真妮没料到凯莉选了中提琴，这琴她压根儿没怎么听过。“大提琴吧，知道有个马友友。小提琴，更是路人皆知。我周围中国人的小孩，想学弦乐的，都选小提琴。小提琴在乐队里多重要，可以拉到首席，而且曲目丰富，有很多协奏曲、独奏曲。那个中提琴，在乐队里只是个伴奏的，几乎没什么独奏曲目。”
蔡真妮又习惯性地从中国父母的角度想，反正都是拉，你干嘛要拉中提琴，换小提琴多好，等到了五年级参加乐队，演出机会也多。她带孩子去乐器店租琴，发现小孩用的中提琴和小提琴大小是一样的，相差的只是一根弦而已。
老公想起他姐姐家就有一把小孩拉的小提琴，寄来就行。琴到了，蔡真妮得到琴店换弦，人工加琴弦要100多美元，她心里更别扭了。又做女儿的思想工作：咱有现成的琴，要不你就学小提琴吧，都是拉，一样的。
“不要！我不喜欢小提琴的声音，太高，中提琴的声音好听。”凯莉坚持不换。
“要在国内，我肯定会想办法把她给拧过来。现在，我也不是不敢，是我不愿意那样做。虽然心里别扭，但我知道这不是孩子的问题，是我的问题。毕竟学琴的是凯莉，她有这个选择的权利，我得尊重她，这是做父母最起码的原则。在这边，凡事都是这样，强调孩子的选择权，大人必须尊重。所以，小孩一个个特别有主意，他们打小就被培养出了这种态度。”
有一天，凯莉高高兴兴地放学回来，告诉妈妈自己是下一周班上的“明星学生”。在一学年里，她们班上每个人都有一次机会做“明星学生”，每周谁来当，以抽签方式决定。成为“明星学生”的孩子，在一周里要做的事是：给全班同学读一本自己最喜欢的书；把自己做的贴纸挂在教室里供大家浏览；给同学介绍自己和家人的照片；最重要的是要在全班做一次报告，向同学、老师介绍自己的兴趣、爱好、特长，和大家分享自己的生活。
蔡真妮饶有兴趣地看着凯莉带回来的那张大硬纸，右上方凯莉贴上了自己的大照片，下面填上年龄、生日、住址、年级、老师的名字、家里有几口人等等信息。左下方罗列了一些她最喜欢的事物，如最喜欢的颜色、动物、食物、运动，最喜欢在学校做的事，最喜欢在家里做的事等等。蔡真妮瞅着瞅着，忍不住偷偷地乐：这不是那些大明星们才回答的问题嘛。贴纸最下边，是列举出三样自己超酷的事，凯莉第一条写的是她足球踢得好，第二条是她会说、会写中文，第三条是她数学好。最后一个问题是你长大后想干什么，凯莉回答是当老师。学校用这种方式，给每个孩子当“明星”的机会，让学生展示真实的自己。
蔡真妮在当地学校做义工，学校会给每位申请当义工的家长发一本小册子，里面详细写了注意事项，其中有这么几点：
★学生的名字是非常重要的，要尽最大努力去记住你要面对的那些学生们的
名字，也一定要让学生们知道你的名字。
★通过向学生问问题，来表现你对他们正在进行的活动的兴趣，然后——聆
听。
★不断地指出学生们在学习、遵守纪律和文体活动等各方面的点滴进步，以
此来帮助他们建立自信心。即使在帮助孩子改正作业中的错误，或是提醒他注意
纪律时，也要从他做的好的地方开始谈。
★只和老师谈论学生们的行为问题，决不能当着孩子的面议论。
★如果要给学生留纸条，上面写的一定是鼓励和友好的话。
★要记住，学生们会模仿周围大人的言行，不管这个大人是老师还是义工。
寥寥数语，蔡真妮已经清楚地知道了对待学生的基本态度，那就是鼓励和尊重。
学习只是很小一部分，健全人格的培养更重要
时至今日，蔡真妮仍感到对不起大儿子。“刚来美国时，我还是用国内那套对待小州，现在想想太粗暴了，心里很愧疚。但我最大的成就感，就是在这里把他培养成了一个有爱心、负责任、善良勤劳的孩子。”
在爷爷奶奶们的眼里，小州简直就是一个“模范孩子”。蔡真妮的妈妈说她：你真好命呵，现在就得儿子济了！
从高中开始，小州就打工挣钱，除了在餐馆工作外，他还为周围的邻居夏天割草、冬天除雪。蔡真妮夸儿子特能干，说他现在即使不上大学，也完全可以在社会上独立生活。妈妈忙不过来时，只要喊他帮忙，小州二话不说，马上洗碗、吸地、做饭，照顾弟弟妹妹。家里花园的活儿，他也全包了。“如果还在国内上学，小州肯定是另外一个样子。”国内的亲朋好友，对孩子的要求只有学习好。
小州今年上11年级，相当于国内的高三。“美国的高中生很忙，课业很重，也有压力。他们没有班级，只有辅导员。你选了什么课，到时间自己去上，跟咱们的大学生一样。他们写的报告，就像写论文，要自己查资料。”
小州带回家一份选课单，看得蔡真妮眼花缭乱，她仔细数了数，天哪！整个高中期间一共有120多门课可以选。
“课分得特别细，像音乐课，就包括了：音乐理论、电子配乐、钢琴、古典吉他、爵士乐、声乐、交响乐等14门科目。英语部分，开设了大学英语、演讲、写作、新闻采访、语法、美国文学、世界文学、戏剧创作等26门课。就连家政这类课，也细分为烹饪科学、生活管理技能、室内设计、驾驶员教育等。”
蔡真妮明显地感觉，美国的高中，不光是教学生文化知识，更注重学生的兴趣爱好、生活技能、自理自律、人际交往等方面的培养。上大学，除了要看高中成绩，要参加入学考试外，还有一项重要内容就是，看学生有什么特长爱好，组织参加过什么社团，做过哪些社会服务等等。
小州的学校，学生社团有上百种，还有各式各样的运动队。每天下午两点多就放学，学生个个都要利用课后时间参加社团活动啦、训练啦、比赛啦。还得忙着谈恋爱，开Party，打工去。
“很疯狂、也很快乐！可以留下很多记忆。看我儿子的高中生活，是那么丰富多彩，让人羡慕。我真觉得，学习只是很小一部分，健全人格的培养，能力的培养更重要。”
蔡真妮在国内有个表姐，她女儿学习很好，考上了市里最好的重点中学，成绩在年级排名第一，表姐特骄傲，同事也都羡慕。为了让孩子一心学习，表姐从小到大不用孩子干一点活，连鞋带都是出门前妈妈蹲地下给系好的。高考前三个月，表姐的女儿一人得了三项优秀学生奖，有同学妒嫉不服气，对她挖苦讽刺。本来不善跟人打交道，被人中伤又不知怎么处理，加上高考的巨大压力，表姐的女儿精神崩溃了：紧张焦虑，出现幻觉，只要一想到上学，就头疼得满地打滚。表姐领着女儿四处求医后，状况才好转。虽说最后几个月没看书，可这孩子高考成绩依然达到了重点大学录取线。但除了清华北大，别的学校她都不想上，觉得丢人，最后家里送她出国自费留学。
“她就是会学习，在语言学校学了一年日语后，拿到日本一所著名大学的录取通知书，现在，在大学成绩还是名列前茅。但我知道，表姐俩口子每天是提心吊胆地过日子。女儿的精神问题就像一颗炸弹，不知在她以后的人生路上，会被什么东西再次引爆。”
蔡真妮觉得这不能全怨孩子，表姐的育儿观念和方式都有问题。“中国有句老话：天下没有不是的父母。意思是讲父母对孩子干什么，叫孩子干什么，都是为了孩子好。孩子读高中、上大学了，当爹妈的还不撒手，事事操心，样样干涉，代替孩子作选择，这实际上是让孩子为父母活，是在精神上控制孩子，孩子成了父母的傀儡。中国父母最喜欢跟孩子说的一句话就是：我都是为了你好，大了，你就明白了。其实根本不是那回儿事。”
在美国，蔡真妮亲眼看见不少华人家庭，因为教育观念上的矛盾引发家庭大战。一方面，华人父母用传统观念和手段对待孩子，比如独断专行，过度关心、管教、干涉等等；另一方面，他们的子女受到的是美式教育，强调个人独立意志的实现和自由。所以，双方免不了会强烈地冲突、碰撞。
也许，无论中国还是美国的父母们，都要习惯一件事：别把孩子当成自己的附属物，别对孩子为所欲为，别紧紧抓牢孩子不撒手。给他们一片属于自己的天空，给他们一个自由成长的空间。相信你的孩子。
http://digest.creaders.net/articleViewer.php?atid=280444&id=286332
十多年前，蔡真妮移居到了北美，那时，儿子小州7岁。后来她又生了女儿凯莉、儿子三猪。现在，他们一家住在美国的宾夕法尼亚州，仨孩子分别上高中、小学和幼儿园。
蔡真妮大学念的是师范，在国内当过老师，教育孩子有自己一套想法。但到美国生活后，异质文化的冲击，使她的育儿方法不得不改变，先前习以为常的手段，被硬生生地拧了过来。
经历过用国外方式管教孩子的“痛苦”后，蔡真妮真切地领悟到了中美教育观念上的差异。
咱们拿孩子当“物”，他们把孩子当“人”
出于职业习惯和当妈的责任，来到国外，蔡真妮特别留心人家是怎么管教孩子的，通过点滴生活小事，细细地品味观察着。
“老外当父母的，特别尊重孩子，跟小孩说话，父母都要蹲下来，平视孩子。他们把孩子看成一个完全独立的人，从小就让孩子自主，学会自己的事情自己做。比如，到人家做客，主人拿东西给小孩吃。这时，一般中国孩子都要看父母的眼色行事，等爸妈发话才敢动手。老外的父母绝对不表态，拿不拿，吃不吃，是孩子的事，你自己决定好了。
“看他们给小婴儿换尿布，妈妈嘴里会唠唠叨叨的：宝贝，我要给你换尿布了，可能你会有些凉呵，没关系，马上就好。咱们会觉得，小婴孩能听懂啥呀！可人家从孩子很小时起，无论对孩子做什么事，会告诉孩子为什么这样做，父母总是平等地对待孩子。”
在美国这些年，蔡真妮说她没见过一个老外的小孩是大人追着喂饭的，都是自己吃。几个月能抱住奶瓶时，就自己抱奶瓶喝，等到一岁左右，大人给系个大饭兜，小孩就用自己的一套小盘小碗，坐在小孩吃饭的特制椅上，用手抓着吃，抹得到处都是。
“我家老大生在国内，老二从小是姥姥带的，吃饭那叫费劲儿，都是追着喂的。等到三猪时，我自己带得可轻松了。说了你可能都不信，我家三猪现在3岁半，饿了，能自己烤面包、抹果酱吃，拉开冰箱自己倒牛奶喝。凯莉9岁，早餐都是自己弄，吃完了上学去。老大更不用说，从高中开始我就没给他做过早饭，而且到了周末，他还会为全家人做顿早餐呢。老外从小就培养孩子的自理能力，
不像咱们，只要孩子学习好，生活上的事老妈全包了。”
有了三猪后，蔡真妮参加了当地的“妈妈俱乐部”。这个俱乐部有五六十人，全是在家带孩子的母亲，每周活动一次。大家聚在一块，分享育儿心得，带着孩子一起玩。跟这些美国妈妈比，蔡真妮感觉美国妈妈对孩子更放手。
“咱们见孩子摔了，会赶紧扶起来，她们不。两岁小孩摔趴了，妈妈顶多看一眼，该干嘛干嘛。像我女儿小时候跌倒，姥姥不仅要去扶，还要哄着，什么东西磕绊的，还得打那东西几下。这样其实会让孩子有一种心理，不管出了什么错，都怨别人，是别人的责任。老外不这样，你摔跤了，那是你自己不小心，是你的责任。摔痛了吧，下回该知道注意了。”
在“妈妈俱乐部”里，蔡真妮不断地进行比较，自我调整，有意识地接受美国好的育儿观念。她说跟这边华人妈妈比，觉得自己做得不错，但与美国妈妈比，还差得挺远。
美国人牙齿都很整齐，因为大多是经过矫正的，他们认为一个人的笑容很重要。蔡真妮认识的一个中国女孩牙不好，向妈妈提出想矫正牙齿，她妈就说：矫什么矫，好几千块钱呢，不耽误你吃饭就行了。女孩本来就内向，现在笑得越来越少，走路都是低着头。
“想想，她心里该多自卑，多苦恼！老外的孩子牙不齐，脸上长个青春痘什么的，家长可在意了，马上带孩子去看医生。那些美国孩子，不管学习好坏、高矮胖瘦，个个都是趾高气扬，神气活现的，谁都觉得自己特重要，是个人物。”
美国父母不仅注重培养孩子的自信和自尊，对于孩子的品德教育，也极其看重。
有天下午，邻居茹娜让蔡真妮的大儿子小州帮她家割草，蔡真妮也领着三猪在外边玩。突然，她看见邻居家4岁半的卡顿，紧张兮兮地从身边跑了过来，跟他打招呼也不理睬，一溜烟儿地窜进自家后门。
“割完草，小州见我劈头就问：妈，你有没有拿信？我说：没有啊！”原来茹娜要出门，把装着割草工钱的信封放在信箱里，等小州完工了，却发现信箱里是空的。或许是茹娜走时忘了，蔡真妮这么认为，但小州说肯定是让谁拿走了。
做晚饭时，门铃响了，蔡真妮开门一看，是卡顿和妈妈茹娜站在门外。卡顿两眼通红，显然哭得不轻。他手里拿着一个破损的信封，看到蔡真妮就递了过来，信封上写着：给小州，茹娜。
卡顿的妈妈问他：“你要说什么？”
“对不起，我知道做错了，我不会再做这种事了。”卡顿抽泣着说，蔡真妮一下恍然大悟。
卡顿的妈妈讲，她发现儿子在房间里鬼鬼祟祟的，进去一查看，结果在枕头底下找到了钱。最初以为拿的是姐姐的钱，证实是小州的钱后，她马上领儿子还钱、道歉来了。
“为了缓解尴尬气氛，我和她开玩笑说，这孩子这么小，就对钱的兴趣这么大，将来可以去华尔街管理基金了。她叹口气说，卡顿是她家4 个孩子中最聪明的，又是老小，被宠坏了。越聪明的孩子越难管教，现在，已到了让他知道什么是正确，什么是错误的时候了，而且犯了错误要去面对，要自己亲自改正才行。”
送走了卡顿娘俩，一个念头不停地在蔡真妮脑子里转悠着：假如三猪偷了别人的钱，我是否也会有勇气领孩子上门道歉？
任何一种惩罚，都会给孩子心里留下阴影
天底下，哪有小孩子不犯错的。犯了错咋办？打呀！“咱小时候，不就是这样被‘教育’出来的，不打不成器。”没出国时，蔡真妮认为打屁股，是管教孩子正确合理且立竿见影的办法。
“这边，别说老师打学生，我们在家里，都不敢打。”打孩子的后果有多严重，华人老严就是一个活生生的例子。
自认为智力超群的老严，来美国的奋斗目标是当科学院院士，得诺贝尔奖。岂料他的远大前程，竟断送在自己的几巴掌上。
老严的女儿比较迟钝，有一回他辅导女儿学习，一个问题讲了若干遍女儿仍是不懂，老严失去耐心，打了女儿两巴掌。第二天上学，老师见孩子胳膊上有瘀痕，不像是摔伤的，问咋回事，小孩子说是昨晚爸爸打的。这可不得了了，老师马上通知校长，校长立即召集学校负责儿童心理、特殊教育的老师，详细询问孩子挨打的细节，最后通知了警察，警察当即就把孩子领走。很快，老严收到警局通知，他被控虐待女儿，在法院正式判决前，孩子将被放在寄养家庭里，不许老严两口子探望。官司打了近一年，老严被判虐待罪成立，剥夺孩子的抚养权，罚社区劳动几百小时。不得已，老婆和他办了离婚手续，自己申请将女儿从寄养家庭领了回来。
来美国后辛辛苦苦攒下的几万美金，老严全贡献给了律师不说，判决后不久，老板就找了个借口炒了他的鱿鱼。在参加社区劳动的同时，老严满世界地发简历，可没一家单位接收他，因为他有“犯罪记录”。走投无路的老严，最后带着满腔的愤懑和遗憾，领着老婆孩子海归了。
千万不能打！于是，蔡真妮试着用美国方式惩罚犯了错的孩子，这个办法叫“time out”。“这个词，用中文很难直接翻译，有人译成‘隔离反省’，让犯错的小孩单独待在某个地方。这个地方，可以是教室的某个角落，或者家里单独的房间，只要与其他人隔离，不参与众人活动就行。反省时间的长短，一般根据孩子的年龄而定。老外使这招儿特管用。”但蔡真妮用得不顺手，在博客里，她细述了自己使“time out”时的“痛苦”。
凯莉6岁大时，一天，又把蔡真妮气得七窍生烟，她决定使出这个撒手锏。“Time out！”一听到这个词，凯莉当即色变，抓住妈妈的衣服大喊：“我不要！不要！”看来，她在学校里一定见识过这种处罚。蔡真妮听了，暗自解气，呵呵，终于有你怕的事了。
怕关厕所里吓坏她，折中一下，让凯莉回自己房内反省10分钟。“我想，屋里有书、有玩具，随便干点什么，时间一蹭就过去了。可因为我说的是‘time out’，在她心里，这几分钟就是很严重的惩罚。所以，她死死地拽住我的衣服，不肯挪步。”
连拖带拽拉女儿回了屋，这时的凯莉已是嚎啕大哭。蔡真妮说当时都想起了小时候在农村看杀猪，猪被捆绑时的凄厉叫声。等她把女儿拖进屋时，发现自己难以脱身了。
“凯莉两手紧紧抱住我的腰，头伏在我的胸前扭动着，鼻涕一把、眼泪一把全抹在我身上，嘴里还呜噜呜噜地为自己申辩。我想掰开她的手，每次就要脱身时，只听她又是一声惨叫，我一愣神的功夫，她就又缠了上来。天哪！是她被‘time out’了，还是我被‘time out’了？”。
时钟指针一秒一秒地挪动，真是度秒如日，看凯莉痛苦的样儿，当妈的怎能不心疼？挨过了6分钟，蔡真妮受不了了，提前宣布“time out”结束。
经此，女儿的行为好多了，每到关键处，只要一说出这个词，她立刻会收敛，但蔡真妮轻易也不敢再使了。有回到姑姑家玩，凯莉又一次屡错屡犯后，蔡真妮忍无可忍，下决心一定要“time out”。因为知道女儿接下来的反应，蔡真妮对老公说：“我判决完了，轮到你执行了。”
“我老公上前拉女儿的手，一下子就被她像八爪章鱼一样缠上身，连哭带嚎，老公一下子就懵了。转头看我，想让我放女儿一马。我想，岂能就让我一人被女儿‘time out’，我严肃地摇摇头。老公无奈地连抱带拖拉凯莉上楼，女儿凄厉的哭声和老公殷殷劝告声，延绵不绝地沿楼梯向上飘去。可不一会儿，老公就下来了，身上的衣服皱皱巴巴，还沾着黏黏糊糊的东西。”
“这么快就下来了，还不到10分钟呢！”老公抹着头上的汗，说：“6分钟可以了，我已经到极限了！”
三猪因为特别调皮，在他3岁时，蔡真妮不得已就使了这一招，但效果却不尽如人意。
第一次出招前，蔡真妮先解释了无数遍什么是“time out”，但三猪依旧我行我素。开始执行了，他也只是瞪着小眼睛冷静地看着妈妈。蔡真妮把他关进主卧室，又在外头听了，没哭也没闹，看来不会有什么大问题，她回厨房做饭。炒好一个菜后，蔡真妮又返身回去查看，一开门，看到的景象，让她的血压一下子蹿升上来。
“三猪坐在地上，身上、脸上、手上，到处抹着黑乎乎的巧克力，嘴里还大嚼着。看我进来，冲我笑着，一丝褐色的口水顺着嘴角流下来。因为他嗜吃巧克力，我把家里的巧克力都藏在了卧室。这下可好了，趁没人，他翻出来大吃特吃。这哪里是在受惩罚，分明是开洋荤呀！”
第二次，蔡真妮狠狠心，把三猪关进厕所。刚一转身，就听见里边“哗——”的冲水声，过一会儿，又是“哗哗哗”的水声。这小子在厕所里玩起水了。蔡真妮打开门，三猪嬉皮笑脸地，好快活的样儿，“time out”无效。
第三次终于出效果了。这回犯错后，蔡真妮把三猪放进封闭阳台。阳台有落地门和屋里连着，他在外面可以看到屋内人在干什么。“我和他的哥哥姐姐，在屋里又说又笑地吃东西，他趴在门上看着，两只小手使劲拍门上的玻璃，嘴里喊着：让我进去，让我进去！看我们都不理他，小嘴慢慢地瘪起来，眼泪在眼圈里打转。小州看不下去，说：妈妈，让他进来吧！我说再等等，这才一分钟呢。”又过了两分钟，小脸憋得通红的三猪才被放进来，他扑到妈妈身上抽噎不已，蔡真妮就此谆谆教育了一番，希望这次能够生效。
效果是显著的。后来，只要三猪一调皮，当妈的指指阳台，说一句“Time out”，他马上就老实了。但也落下了后遗症，三猪从此不单独到阳台，也不和妈妈一起去，看到蔡真妮一个人进了阳台，他一定要过去把门关上。
“这让我反思：任何一种惩罚，都会给孩子心里留下阴影，还是要少用，不得不用时，也要点到为止。”
美式教育的“绝活”
凯莉上的小学，一年开两次家长会。开会时，老师不是把全体家长召集到一块儿讲，而是单独谈，打开文件夹给家长看，孩子这学期，哪哪哪有进步。比如语文，以前能造俩句子，现在能造4个啦。人际交往上，知道与同学分享自己的东西啦……
“老师不但不告孩子的状，而且说的全是好话。照咱中国父母的思维，就想知道孩子有啥缺点，改正了才进步不是？开始，我直截了当地问，老师绝对不直接讲孩子哪里不好。”
知道凯莉话特别多，蔡真妮忍不住问：她喜欢说话，会不会影响到你上课呢？
“你猜人家咋回答？老师乐呵呵地说：凯莉太开朗了，我非常喜欢。她哪天没来上课，我会觉得教室里少了点什么，一下子没有了生气。瞧瞧，人家多会讲话。我自己的孩子，有时候我都觉得她太吵了，老师能一点没感觉？但她会从好的角度想，把凯莉的多话，绝对看成优点，加以赞扬。”
后来，再开家长会，蔡真妮转弯抹角地问老师：我家凯莉，有没有什么地方，我们可以帮到她，让她做得更好？这么着，老师才会提到不足的地方：“在单词拼写上，凯莉要是再努力一点，可能会减少错误率。”呵，蔡真妮明白了凯莉拼写不太好。
凯莉班上有个男孩，照蔡真妮看，智力肯定有问题，别人做对10道数学题，他能做对一道就不错了。就这样的，老师还不停地表扬他有进步。
从上一年级开始，班干部就是大家轮流当，上讲台演说，人人都有资格，怎么讲都行。那么小的孩子讲话也没个章法，嗑嗑巴巴的，可老师同学都热烈鼓掌，夸好好好！你太棒了！
刚开始，蔡真妮捉摸：是不是就这一个老师这样？她留心观察后发现，不同年级、不同班级的老师全一样，这边的教师受到的基本训练就是如此，否则不够资格。
蔡真妮悟出了美国人教育孩子的最大特色，或者说“绝活”——鼓励。
“他们是千方百计地挑出孩子的优点、亮点，可劲儿地表扬，忽略不足的地方。久而久之，小孩子好的地方就会越来越好，长处会越来越长，而缺点却被慢慢地弱化了。”
小小年纪的三猪有了一句口头禅，不管自己还是别人做了什么，他都要喊一句“Good job！（干得好）”。有一天，幼儿园的老师说起这事儿，笑着问蔡真妮：平时，你都怎样表扬他的？蔡真妮想了想，好像自己说的就是这句“Good job”。
“这就对了。”老师讲：“孩子都是跟外界学的，无论是行为还是语言。这句话，一定是被你用了无数次后，在他心里成了最有力量的表扬话。”老师建议试试用其他表扬、鼓励孩子的词，淡化这句“Good job”。“咱中国人不太习惯，也不擅长夸别人。老外的特点是不说不好、不行这样否定的话，说‘Good’（好），那基本上就是做得很一般，不甚满意了。这里的孩子，无论做完一件多小的事，比如画了一幅画，写了一个字，剪了一个东西，帮了别人一下等等，老师和家长都会表扬。很多时候，还要拥抱孩子给以鼓励。妈妈们‘我爱你’不离口，说得可自然了。他们认为正面的表扬、鼓励和爱，永远都不嫌多。”
隔天，三猪的老师给了蔡真妮一张纸，说：“这个或许对你有帮助。”纸上打印的是，《101种表扬孩子的话》，蔡真妮看了大受启发。
这里边的好多话，现在常挂在她的嘴边：Excellent！（太出色了）；Great work！（做得太好了）；Beautiful！（漂亮）； Fantastic！（太奇妙了）；Awesome！（真了不起）；What a great imagination！（多妙的想象）；Super work！（超级棒）；Super！（极好）； I＇m proud of you！（我为你骄傲）；You really tried！（你确实尽力了）……
蔡真妮的体会是，常说这些表扬话，不光孩子受用，就是大人听了，也会感觉很好。“可以用在夫妻、朋友、同事、上下级等所有和人打交道的时候，用得恰当，一定比‘挺好’、‘不错’、‘对’这样普普通通的字眼效果好，会成为人际关系中绝佳的润滑剂。”
《101种表扬孩子的话》，最后一句是：常对孩子说“I love you”。蔡真妮特别提醒道：这句“我爱你”，一定要挂在嘴上，时常对孩子讲。
尊重孩子选择的权利，这是做父母最起码的原则
小学四年级的孩子，可以在学校学一门乐器，至于学什么，由学生自己选，老师负责教。因为小孩还在长，所用的乐器也是由小到大，不能固定。所以，乐器一般先不买，由家长到店里租。
选乐器那天，教室里放了各种各样的乐器，蔡真妮没料到凯莉选了中提琴，这琴她压根儿没怎么听过。“大提琴吧，知道有个马友友。小提琴，更是路人皆知。我周围中国人的小孩，想学弦乐的，都选小提琴。小提琴在乐队里多重要，可以拉到首席，而且曲目丰富，有很多协奏曲、独奏曲。那个中提琴，在乐队里只是个伴奏的，几乎没什么独奏曲目。”
蔡真妮又习惯性地从中国父母的角度想，反正都是拉，你干嘛要拉中提琴，换小提琴多好，等到了五年级参加乐队，演出机会也多。她带孩子去乐器店租琴，发现小孩用的中提琴和小提琴大小是一样的，相差的只是一根弦而已。
老公想起他姐姐家就有一把小孩拉的小提琴，寄来就行。琴到了，蔡真妮得到琴店换弦，人工加琴弦要100多美元，她心里更别扭了。又做女儿的思想工作：咱有现成的琴，要不你就学小提琴吧，都是拉，一样的。
“不要！我不喜欢小提琴的声音，太高，中提琴的声音好听。”凯莉坚持不换。
“要在国内，我肯定会想办法把她给拧过来。现在，我也不是不敢，是我不愿意那样做。虽然心里别扭，但我知道这不是孩子的问题，是我的问题。毕竟学琴的是凯莉，她有这个选择的权利，我得尊重她，这是做父母最起码的原则。在这边，凡事都是这样，强调孩子的选择权，大人必须尊重。所以，小孩一个个特别有主意，他们打小就被培养出了这种态度。”
有一天，凯莉高高兴兴地放学回来，告诉妈妈自己是下一周班上的“明星学生”。在一学年里，她们班上每个人都有一次机会做“明星学生”，每周谁来当，以抽签方式决定。成为“明星学生”的孩子，在一周里要做的事是：给全班同学读一本自己最喜欢的书；把自己做的贴纸挂在教室里供大家浏览；给同学介绍自己和家人的照片；最重要的是要在全班做一次报告，向同学、老师介绍自己的兴趣、爱好、特长，和大家分享自己的生活。
蔡真妮饶有兴趣地看着凯莉带回来的那张大硬纸，右上方凯莉贴上了自己的大照片，下面填上年龄、生日、住址、年级、老师的名字、家里有几口人等等信息。左下方罗列了一些她最喜欢的事物，如最喜欢的颜色、动物、食物、运动，最喜欢在学校做的事，最喜欢在家里做的事等等。蔡真妮瞅着瞅着，忍不住偷偷地乐：这不是那些大明星们才回答的问题嘛。贴纸最下边，是列举出三样自己超酷的事，凯莉第一条写的是她足球踢得好，第二条是她会说、会写中文，第三条是她数学好。最后一个问题是你长大后想干什么，凯莉回答是当老师。学校用这种方式，给每个孩子当“明星”的机会，让学生展示真实的自己。
蔡真妮在当地学校做义工，学校会给每位申请当义工的家长发一本小册子，里面详细写了注意事项，其中有这么几点：
★学生的名字是非常重要的，要尽最大努力去记住你要面对的那些学生们的
名字，也一定要让学生们知道你的名字。
★通过向学生问问题，来表现你对他们正在进行的活动的兴趣，然后——聆
听。
★不断地指出学生们在学习、遵守纪律和文体活动等各方面的点滴进步，以
此来帮助他们建立自信心。即使在帮助孩子改正作业中的错误，或是提醒他注意
纪律时，也要从他做的好的地方开始谈。
★只和老师谈论学生们的行为问题，决不能当着孩子的面议论。
★如果要给学生留纸条，上面写的一定是鼓励和友好的话。
★要记住，学生们会模仿周围大人的言行，不管这个大人是老师还是义工。
寥寥数语，蔡真妮已经清楚地知道了对待学生的基本态度，那就是鼓励和尊重。
学习只是很小一部分，健全人格的培养更重要
时至今日，蔡真妮仍感到对不起大儿子。“刚来美国时，我还是用国内那套对待小州，现在想想太粗暴了，心里很愧疚。但我最大的成就感，就是在这里把他培养成了一个有爱心、负责任、善良勤劳的孩子。”
在爷爷奶奶们的眼里，小州简直就是一个“模范孩子”。蔡真妮的妈妈说她：你真好命呵，现在就得儿子济了！
从高中开始，小州就打工挣钱，除了在餐馆工作外，他还为周围的邻居夏天割草、冬天除雪。蔡真妮夸儿子特能干，说他现在即使不上大学，也完全可以在社会上独立生活。妈妈忙不过来时，只要喊他帮忙，小州二话不说，马上洗碗、吸地、做饭，照顾弟弟妹妹。家里花园的活儿，他也全包了。“如果还在国内上学，小州肯定是另外一个样子。”国内的亲朋好友，对孩子的要求只有学习好。
小州今年上11年级，相当于国内的高三。“美国的高中生很忙，课业很重，也有压力。他们没有班级，只有辅导员。你选了什么课，到时间自己去上，跟咱们的大学生一样。他们写的报告，就像写论文，要自己查资料。”
小州带回家一份选课单，看得蔡真妮眼花缭乱，她仔细数了数，天哪！整个高中期间一共有120多门课可以选。
“课分得特别细，像音乐课，就包括了：音乐理论、电子配乐、钢琴、古典吉他、爵士乐、声乐、交响乐等14门科目。英语部分，开设了大学英语、演讲、写作、新闻采访、语法、美国文学、世界文学、戏剧创作等26门课。就连家政这类课，也细分为烹饪科学、生活管理技能、室内设计、驾驶员教育等。”
蔡真妮明显地感觉，美国的高中，不光是教学生文化知识，更注重学生的兴趣爱好、生活技能、自理自律、人际交往等方面的培养。上大学，除了要看高中成绩，要参加入学考试外，还有一项重要内容就是，看学生有什么特长爱好，组织参加过什么社团，做过哪些社会服务等等。
小州的学校，学生社团有上百种，还有各式各样的运动队。每天下午两点多就放学，学生个个都要利用课后时间参加社团活动啦、训练啦、比赛啦。还得忙着谈恋爱，开Party，打工去。
“很疯狂、也很快乐！可以留下很多记忆。看我儿子的高中生活，是那么丰富多彩，让人羡慕。我真觉得，学习只是很小一部分，健全人格的培养，能力的培养更重要。”
蔡真妮在国内有个表姐，她女儿学习很好，考上了市里最好的重点中学，成绩在年级排名第一，表姐特骄傲，同事也都羡慕。为了让孩子一心学习，表姐从小到大不用孩子干一点活，连鞋带都是出门前妈妈蹲地下给系好的。高考前三个月，表姐的女儿一人得了三项优秀学生奖，有同学妒嫉不服气，对她挖苦讽刺。本来不善跟人打交道，被人中伤又不知怎么处理，加上高考的巨大压力，表姐的女儿精神崩溃了：紧张焦虑，出现幻觉，只要一想到上学，就头疼得满地打滚。表姐领着女儿四处求医后，状况才好转。虽说最后几个月没看书，可这孩子高考成绩依然达到了重点大学录取线。但除了清华北大，别的学校她都不想上，觉得丢人，最后家里送她出国自费留学。
“她就是会学习，在语言学校学了一年日语后，拿到日本一所著名大学的录取通知书，现在，在大学成绩还是名列前茅。但我知道，表姐俩口子每天是提心吊胆地过日子。女儿的精神问题就像一颗炸弹，不知在她以后的人生路上，会被什么东西再次引爆。”
蔡真妮觉得这不能全怨孩子，表姐的育儿观念和方式都有问题。“中国有句老话：天下没有不是的父母。意思是讲父母对孩子干什么，叫孩子干什么，都是为了孩子好。孩子读高中、上大学了，当爹妈的还不撒手，事事操心，样样干涉，代替孩子作选择，这实际上是让孩子为父母活，是在精神上控制孩子，孩子成了父母的傀儡。中国父母最喜欢跟孩子说的一句话就是：我都是为了你好，大了，你就明白了。其实根本不是那回儿事。”
在美国，蔡真妮亲眼看见不少华人家庭，因为教育观念上的矛盾引发家庭大战。一方面，华人父母用传统观念和手段对待孩子，比如独断专行，过度关心、管教、干涉等等；另一方面，他们的子女受到的是美式教育，强调个人独立意志的实现和自由。所以，双方免不了会强烈地冲突、碰撞。
也许，无论中国还是美国的父母们，都要习惯一件事：别把孩子当成自己的附属物，别对孩子为所欲为，别紧紧抓牢孩子不撒手。给他们一片属于自己的天空，给他们一个自由成长的空间。相信你的孩子。
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
zt: 该不该学中文? 怎样学?
http://blog.creaders.net/yuzhou/user_blog_diary.php?did=28849
该不该学中文? 怎样学? 2008-11-30 23:31:27
学中文是海外华人经常讨论的热门话题，中文难学也是孩子和家长们感到头痛的一个问题。我们面对同样的问题。
长女到美国时四岁多，因为语言思维己基本形成，没费什么精力，不知不觉中孩子就长大上大学了，有很好的中文功底和应用能力。该不该学中文？难不难学？好象一直没注意这应该成为问题。倒是孩子在双语环境中学习和成长的经验，给了我很多启示和帮助去提高自己的语言能力，改进自已的语言(包括中文)表达水平和交流能力。记得有一次与孩子谈话，孩子没能听明白我的问题，很礼貌地问我： “爸爸，请问您讲的是高深的中文还是不准确的英语？”
二女儿出生在美国，体格健壮，语言天赋特好，英语水平比同龄的美国孩子好得多，中文也表达自如，运用熟练。有得天独厚的条件和应用中文的小环境，不费多少努力，玩耍中就能学好中文，多掌握一种文化一种工具，何乐而不为呢？
老三是一个男孩，有些方面特别优秀，但是语言发音方面特别不优秀，加上左撇子，握笔困难，学写中文时就难上加难。儿子该不该学中文的问题一直也没能上升到议事日程，因为其它的问题更紧迫，需要加強英语的语言训练，赶上和超过同龄的孩子，以增强能力和自信; 需要时间培养孩子对体育的爱好，有充沛的体力去培养自已的自信和能力。
该不该学中文，困难不困难，这是因人而异，需要具体对象具体分析，没有统一答案的问题。同一父母的几个孩子，也需要区别对待。别人的经验和观点，由于家庭背景社会环境孩子的天份各不相同，只能听听而矣。自己的孩子，只有父母最清楚，父母才知道该怎么做。
中文课的授课内容和训练方法倒是有些值得商讨的地方。署假孩子在家，学中文的时间相对多一些。有一天，轮到我辅导小孩中文，结合中文学校的教学，辅导二女儿和儿子学中文，阅读几篇课文，课文有铁棒磨成针，小马过活，小猫钓魚等，要学会生字，再做一些作业。我布置完当天的内容，干了一会儿其它事再来检查进展如何，发现两个家伙正嘻嘻哈哈，一唱一合，口中正念念有词， “stupid, stupid” 地在评价一些练习，哼哼哼地唱着，大概意思是说，Stupid 中文呀，为什么这么难呀？Stupid 铁杆呀，为什么一定要磨成针呀？
翻开儿子的教材，好家伙，中文课本象数学课本，那么多符号和定理得先学会。翻开女儿的作业，别说孩子不会做，有些我也不会。有一道题目是说出 “得” 的三个不同发音, 我想了半天也没想出来。
我不是语言文字工作者，也不是学文科类的专业，很多年不应用中文，也没有做过研究。现在更是提笔忘字。只是凭经验和直觉认为语言是生存和生活中交流的工具，通过本能就能掌握的技能，白痴也会说我要吃饭而不说饭要吃我。是不是我们不恰当的教学内容和方法推波助澜，使孩子们越学越觉得中文难呢？
翻开中文教材，真是课课都有金玉良言，节节讲解人生哲理，肓人摸象，画蛇添脚，业公好龙，脏官你代，似乎中国文化就是由智慧哲理良言警句构成的，不灌输这些智慧结晶就不成其为学中文; 不让孩子学得老道世故圆滑就不是培养人才。有志者，事竟成; 书山有路勤为径，学海无涯苦作舟;作为励志名言，鼓励了自已几十年。等我不需要再励志的时候却发现这道理连三岁的小孩都明白，全是废话，还搞得深奥得很。我相信五千年的文明一定有她的伟大之处，但怀疑定式思维灌输太多会限制孩子以及我们自已的思维。同时也相信一定有方法使一代一代人站在巨人前人的肩膀上去生活去发扬光大，而不是生长在一种文化的包裹里。
在阅渎孩子的中文教材时。我想到了许多美国好的阅读学习材料。
有很多人作中美教育的比较研究，对美国老师的教育方法赞尝有加，其实不称职的老师也不少。我倒是对美国的很多教科书籍感触很深。三个孩子在美国上学，老大已上大学。教育辅导这几个孩子的学习，简直就是奇迹般的、美的、轻松自在的享受。所有课程不需要父母作任何额外的辅导，并遥遥领先，父母所做的就象带孩子玩倒骨牌的遊戏，只是帮助扳倒了第一块，接下来全靠孩子自己，而且演绎得是眼花暸烂，精彩纷层。
儿子在两三岁时，圣诞节阿姨送给他一台认识字母的遊戏机，孩子自己在遊戏中认识了字母，这是儿子的第一块骨牌，后来层层加码，完全习惯了自己摸索自己学习自己思考。现在上二年级，数学相当于四年级水平，英语相当于三年级水平。
二女儿两岁时，有一天太太告诉我说二女儿非常聪明，散步时通过认街道路牌，这是马虎的父母第一次教小孩认字，一会儿功夫全认识了，第二天还记得。这是二女儿学习上的第一块骨牌，后来层层加码，孩子也完全习惯了自己摸索自己学习自己思考。现在上五年级，数学相当于八至九年级的水平，英语相当于九至十年级水平。
大女儿四岁来美国，这是十五六年前的事，刚来时英语差，瘦弱，胆小。第一块骨牌是要勇敢顽強，要学会生成。冷酷的现实让孩子完全学会了自己摸索自己学习自己思考一切都靠自己。早些年父母在拆腾，等到有筋力有心情关照孩孑的时候，孩子巳径非常优秀非常独立，所有的事都插不上手了。只有被动参与，这活动那活动的，初中毕业父母沾荣誉跟着去会见州长，高中毕业去会见总统。在我的博客里有几篇文章 “孩子丢失在纽约”，” “华人小州长” 和 “获总统学者奖的中国小孩” 就是有关我大女儿的几则故事。
当回顾几个孩子学习成长的过程，从心里佩服和感激美国很多阅读书籍的编写既系统又科学，生动有趣，循序渐近，一环套一环，从幼儿园直到高中毕业的全部课程，孩子完全可以自学。
近来对孩子们进行中文辅导，这是几个愿意学中文并且爱说中文的孩子，半个学期辅导一个孩子学中文所花的时间，超出过去十多年花在三个孩子其它所有功课的总和，且收效不佳前景暗淡。始终没找到玩 “倒骨牌” 的感觉，尽管我觉得已经帮孩子推倒了第一块第二块第三块骨牌。这中文教学和教材的编排好象只有一直帮助推才行，甚至帮助推也不行。
爱学习是人的本能和天份，学习是一个充满快乐的过程。如果我们的中文教育收效甚徵甚至使孩子感到痛苦，一定是我们的方法错了，或者方法方向都错了。
我们不是培养汉语语言学家，孩子也不需要通过学好中文之后再去掌握高深的科技知识，他们只是通过业余学习掌握中文这门工具。对这群优秀的孩子来说，如果有好的阅读材料，都会自学，并且会有很好的收获。比方说，阅读材料以常用的一两百字为基础，或水平高一点的以五六百字为基础，在重复应用这些字的基础上，编出浅显而引人入胜的故事，甚至是长篇故事，词汇量慢慢增加。父母只要开始帮助认识百来字以启动第一块骨牌。
在网上我看到许多才华横溢，精力充沛的作者，同时又是父母，了解自已孩子的需要和特点，编写适合于孩子们阅读的故事应是轻而易举的事。学好中文不应该是优秀华人儿女的痛。
该不该学中文? 怎样学? 2008-11-30 23:31:27
学中文是海外华人经常讨论的热门话题，中文难学也是孩子和家长们感到头痛的一个问题。我们面对同样的问题。
长女到美国时四岁多，因为语言思维己基本形成，没费什么精力，不知不觉中孩子就长大上大学了，有很好的中文功底和应用能力。该不该学中文？难不难学？好象一直没注意这应该成为问题。倒是孩子在双语环境中学习和成长的经验，给了我很多启示和帮助去提高自己的语言能力，改进自已的语言(包括中文)表达水平和交流能力。记得有一次与孩子谈话，孩子没能听明白我的问题，很礼貌地问我： “爸爸，请问您讲的是高深的中文还是不准确的英语？”
二女儿出生在美国，体格健壮，语言天赋特好，英语水平比同龄的美国孩子好得多，中文也表达自如，运用熟练。有得天独厚的条件和应用中文的小环境，不费多少努力，玩耍中就能学好中文，多掌握一种文化一种工具，何乐而不为呢？
老三是一个男孩，有些方面特别优秀，但是语言发音方面特别不优秀，加上左撇子，握笔困难，学写中文时就难上加难。儿子该不该学中文的问题一直也没能上升到议事日程，因为其它的问题更紧迫，需要加強英语的语言训练，赶上和超过同龄的孩子，以增强能力和自信; 需要时间培养孩子对体育的爱好，有充沛的体力去培养自已的自信和能力。
该不该学中文，困难不困难，这是因人而异，需要具体对象具体分析，没有统一答案的问题。同一父母的几个孩子，也需要区别对待。别人的经验和观点，由于家庭背景社会环境孩子的天份各不相同，只能听听而矣。自己的孩子，只有父母最清楚，父母才知道该怎么做。
中文课的授课内容和训练方法倒是有些值得商讨的地方。署假孩子在家，学中文的时间相对多一些。有一天，轮到我辅导小孩中文，结合中文学校的教学，辅导二女儿和儿子学中文，阅读几篇课文，课文有铁棒磨成针，小马过活，小猫钓魚等，要学会生字，再做一些作业。我布置完当天的内容，干了一会儿其它事再来检查进展如何，发现两个家伙正嘻嘻哈哈，一唱一合，口中正念念有词， “stupid, stupid” 地在评价一些练习，哼哼哼地唱着，大概意思是说，Stupid 中文呀，为什么这么难呀？Stupid 铁杆呀，为什么一定要磨成针呀？
翻开儿子的教材，好家伙，中文课本象数学课本，那么多符号和定理得先学会。翻开女儿的作业，别说孩子不会做，有些我也不会。有一道题目是说出 “得” 的三个不同发音, 我想了半天也没想出来。
我不是语言文字工作者，也不是学文科类的专业，很多年不应用中文，也没有做过研究。现在更是提笔忘字。只是凭经验和直觉认为语言是生存和生活中交流的工具，通过本能就能掌握的技能，白痴也会说我要吃饭而不说饭要吃我。是不是我们不恰当的教学内容和方法推波助澜，使孩子们越学越觉得中文难呢？
翻开中文教材，真是课课都有金玉良言，节节讲解人生哲理，肓人摸象，画蛇添脚，业公好龙，脏官你代，似乎中国文化就是由智慧哲理良言警句构成的，不灌输这些智慧结晶就不成其为学中文; 不让孩子学得老道世故圆滑就不是培养人才。有志者，事竟成; 书山有路勤为径，学海无涯苦作舟;作为励志名言，鼓励了自已几十年。等我不需要再励志的时候却发现这道理连三岁的小孩都明白，全是废话，还搞得深奥得很。我相信五千年的文明一定有她的伟大之处，但怀疑定式思维灌输太多会限制孩子以及我们自已的思维。同时也相信一定有方法使一代一代人站在巨人前人的肩膀上去生活去发扬光大，而不是生长在一种文化的包裹里。
在阅渎孩子的中文教材时。我想到了许多美国好的阅读学习材料。
有很多人作中美教育的比较研究，对美国老师的教育方法赞尝有加，其实不称职的老师也不少。我倒是对美国的很多教科书籍感触很深。三个孩子在美国上学，老大已上大学。教育辅导这几个孩子的学习，简直就是奇迹般的、美的、轻松自在的享受。所有课程不需要父母作任何额外的辅导，并遥遥领先，父母所做的就象带孩子玩倒骨牌的遊戏，只是帮助扳倒了第一块，接下来全靠孩子自己，而且演绎得是眼花暸烂，精彩纷层。
儿子在两三岁时，圣诞节阿姨送给他一台认识字母的遊戏机，孩子自己在遊戏中认识了字母，这是儿子的第一块骨牌，后来层层加码，完全习惯了自己摸索自己学习自己思考。现在上二年级，数学相当于四年级水平，英语相当于三年级水平。
二女儿两岁时，有一天太太告诉我说二女儿非常聪明，散步时通过认街道路牌，这是马虎的父母第一次教小孩认字，一会儿功夫全认识了，第二天还记得。这是二女儿学习上的第一块骨牌，后来层层加码，孩子也完全习惯了自己摸索自己学习自己思考。现在上五年级，数学相当于八至九年级的水平，英语相当于九至十年级水平。
大女儿四岁来美国，这是十五六年前的事，刚来时英语差，瘦弱，胆小。第一块骨牌是要勇敢顽強，要学会生成。冷酷的现实让孩子完全学会了自己摸索自己学习自己思考一切都靠自己。早些年父母在拆腾，等到有筋力有心情关照孩孑的时候，孩子巳径非常优秀非常独立，所有的事都插不上手了。只有被动参与，这活动那活动的，初中毕业父母沾荣誉跟着去会见州长，高中毕业去会见总统。在我的博客里有几篇文章 “孩子丢失在纽约”，” “华人小州长” 和 “获总统学者奖的中国小孩” 就是有关我大女儿的几则故事。
当回顾几个孩子学习成长的过程，从心里佩服和感激美国很多阅读书籍的编写既系统又科学，生动有趣，循序渐近，一环套一环，从幼儿园直到高中毕业的全部课程，孩子完全可以自学。
近来对孩子们进行中文辅导，这是几个愿意学中文并且爱说中文的孩子，半个学期辅导一个孩子学中文所花的时间，超出过去十多年花在三个孩子其它所有功课的总和，且收效不佳前景暗淡。始终没找到玩 “倒骨牌” 的感觉，尽管我觉得已经帮孩子推倒了第一块第二块第三块骨牌。这中文教学和教材的编排好象只有一直帮助推才行，甚至帮助推也不行。
爱学习是人的本能和天份，学习是一个充满快乐的过程。如果我们的中文教育收效甚徵甚至使孩子感到痛苦，一定是我们的方法错了，或者方法方向都错了。
我们不是培养汉语语言学家，孩子也不需要通过学好中文之后再去掌握高深的科技知识，他们只是通过业余学习掌握中文这门工具。对这群优秀的孩子来说，如果有好的阅读材料，都会自学，并且会有很好的收获。比方说，阅读材料以常用的一两百字为基础，或水平高一点的以五六百字为基础，在重复应用这些字的基础上，编出浅显而引人入胜的故事，甚至是长篇故事，词汇量慢慢增加。父母只要开始帮助认识百来字以启动第一块骨牌。
在网上我看到许多才华横溢，精力充沛的作者，同时又是父母，了解自已孩子的需要和特点，编写适合于孩子们阅读的故事应是轻而易举的事。学好中文不应该是优秀华人儿女的痛。
Sunday, December 21, 2008
zt: 口述：没钱的男人我不敢轻易接受
http://digest.creaders.net/articleViewer.php?atid=280391&id=286255
学生时代，他追我是因为和别人打了赌
我和沈光(化名)的故事，其实早在四年前就结束了……
我们是师范学校里的同班同学，开学的头一天，我就注意到了他。他长得黑黑的，身上的衣服也是黑色的，头发剪得长短不齐，还染着几绺黄色，看上去就像动画片里走出来的人物。
女生们凑在一起的时候常常会议论他，有一次我听她们说他家里没有什么钱，我当时忍不住就替他说话，我说，一个人家里有没有钱不是自己能选的，这也不重要，重要的是将来有本事了，可以自己赚钱。当时朋友们开玩笑地问我们是什么关系，为什么帮他说话。我这才发现，不知道从什么时候开始，我已经那么注意他了。
那时，他有个很不错的女朋友，他们整天出双入对。差不多一年以后，他们分手了，他很快又换了一个女朋友，可没多久又分手了。同学们都说他太花心了，找完一个又一个。对此我没有否认，因为我也这样觉得。
有一天放学后，我正准备收拾东西回家，突然听到有人在身后喊：“喂！怎么这么可怜，一个人回家啊？”我回头一看，是沈光。
“怎么，有事儿吗？”他想了一下，说：“我送你回家吧！”“可我们又不顺路……”
“那又怎样？只要你喜欢，我可以天天送你回家。”他坏坏地笑着说。
我没理他，背起书包要走，他却一把拉住我：“别走，做我女朋友好吗？”
我的脸顿时涨得通红，不敢看他，也不知道说什么。见我没出声，他马上说：“你不说话，我当你同意了！”
我怔怔地站在原地，看着沈光吹着口哨得意地离开，心里却在想：要不要尝试一下呢？谈一场恋爱，应该也不错吧。
我们就这样交往起来了。可是没多久，我就从同学那里听到了一个消息：沈光之所以追求我，是因为他当初和同学打了个赌，没想到，这么轻松就让他赢了。
我提出分手，是不想成为他的负担
我先是震惊，再是难过，我无论如何也没想到，我竟然像一枚棋子一样任他摆布，原来他真的是一个花心的男人！这样的他让我无法接受，我想和他做个了断，但不知为什么，我的心竟会如此痛苦。
我整整一周都没有理沈光，但他却仍旧默默关心着我：早上会帮我值日，中午会帮我打好饭菜，下了体育课会拿水给我喝。被他这样呵护着的感觉真的很好，而且我发现，我的眼睛越是不看他，我的心就越是想靠近他。
一天放学后，沈光递给我一封信，然后就那样站在我面前，要我把这封信读完：“你不理我，我只好写信给你……我知道你已经知道了一切，我承认是我不懂事，才会有这样错误的决定，但和你交往到现在，我发现我是真的喜欢上了你，你能原谅我吗？如果我就此失去你，这是我应该受到的惩罚，对不起……”
抬起头的时候，我的泪水已经弥漫了双眼。他紧锁着眉头，轻轻替我擦眼泪：“原谅我好吗？”
我没说话，只是拉起了他的手。我不知道我的选择是对还是错。也许是我真的无法放弃被一个人疼爱的温暖；也许是在我心里并没有真正怪他；也许是我自己都没发现，我已经深深地爱上了他……
时间过得很快，我们还有一年就要毕业了。有一天，沈光告诉我，他要考到一所更好的学校去。我为他高兴，却为即将到来的离别感到难过。沈光跟我说了很多事情，给我讲他的理想和压力、老师和父母的期望……从他的话语中，我渐渐听出了他的意思。
“你是不是想说，怕我会影响你的前途？”
“不是，我怕我到时候会因为想你而不能专心念书，这样我就辜负了我父母对我的希望了，你明白吗？”
我明白，只是我不懂，为什么要牺牲我们的爱情来换取他的前途？虽然很心痛，我还是说出了沈光想听的话，也许，这句话由我说出来，他的心会好过一些。
“我们分手吧！”
再次相逢，他说要做我一辈子的幸福
从前的爱情，就这样成为了过去，尽管沈光说希望我们以后还是朋友，但是我做不到。我总觉得，爱情和友情真的不是那么轻易就能转化的。
很遗憾，沈光最终没能考上理想的学校，后来我听说他找了一份工作；而我则在毕业后去了南方，开始了全新的生活。我们偶尔还是会联络，也会彼此牵挂，但是对于失去的爱情，我再也没有幻想过能在多年以后重新拥有。
时间过得真快，距离毕业已经三年了，今年再回到沈阳的时候，我已经24岁了。父母希望我安定下来，找一个真心爱我又能给我幸福的好男人结婚。我表面上附和着，心里却觉得很渺茫……
沈光怪我回来后没有第一个告诉他，还约我出来见面。在人来人往的中街步行街上，我见到了他，这是几年来，我们分手后的第一次见面。
“你过得好吗？开心吗？你变漂亮了……”沈光微笑着看着我。
是的，我变了，而他也成熟了许多，个子变高了，也胖了。我们聊着彼此的近况，也一起回忆了很多上学时的事情，最后他突然说要组织大家聚一聚，要我到时候一定得去，我答应了。
三年了，同学们或多或少都有了变化，有几个女生已经结婚了。那天，大家玩到了很晚。聚会结束后，沈光说要送我回家，我没有拒绝。坐在深夜的出租车里，他看着我，久久都没有说话。
“人是很奇怪的，有很多事情，曾经拥有时不懂得珍惜，等到失去以后才知道它的可贵。”他突然开口说话，我来不及反应，只轻轻地“嗯”了一声。
“这一年的工作让我学到了很多东西。人和人之间的竞争，同事之间的相处，和经理之间的相处，我真的觉得很累……”“你怎么突然说这些？”我奇怪地看着他。
“没什么，我只是觉得以前的自己太不成熟了，做事情也太莽撞，我伤害过你，还不止一次……对不起，真的。”
“事情都已经过去那么久了，还有说出来的必要吗？”我轻轻地问。
“我想得到你的原谅……”
“我并没有生你的气，我知道你当时的处境，换作是我，我或许也会这么做的。所以你不用想太多了。”我说的每一句话都是发自内心的，已经过了三年了，我早就学会了坚强，也早就不去想那些伤心的往事了。
那天之后，我几乎每天都会收到沈光的电话和短信，时不时他还会约我出去一起玩。终于有一天，他对我说：“做我女朋友好吗？”
“你又在开玩笑吧？”“不，在你面前，我再也不会说谎了。”
其实我应该很高兴的，这说明我仍然有吸引他的魅力，但为什么我就是高兴不起来呢？我想是我长大了，我变得理智、现实，甚至虚荣。我曾说过，一个人家里有没有钱并不重要，现在我却不这么想了。沈光如今还没有稳定的工作，现在的他什么也不能给我。
沈光仍然像从前一样关心着我，或者说比从前更好。他会在每天早上和晚上发来短信问候我，提醒我天气的变化；也会站在雪里等我下班，看他冻得浑身发抖的样子，我的心再一次动摇了。
前不久，他要去北京出差一个月，临走的时候，他说，希望能做我一辈子的幸福。要我想好答案，等他回来以后再告诉他。
他走了，留下我站在原地，心里十分矛盾。这个答案，究竟该是什么？
学生时代，他追我是因为和别人打了赌
我和沈光(化名)的故事，其实早在四年前就结束了……
我们是师范学校里的同班同学，开学的头一天，我就注意到了他。他长得黑黑的，身上的衣服也是黑色的，头发剪得长短不齐，还染着几绺黄色，看上去就像动画片里走出来的人物。
女生们凑在一起的时候常常会议论他，有一次我听她们说他家里没有什么钱，我当时忍不住就替他说话，我说，一个人家里有没有钱不是自己能选的，这也不重要，重要的是将来有本事了，可以自己赚钱。当时朋友们开玩笑地问我们是什么关系，为什么帮他说话。我这才发现，不知道从什么时候开始，我已经那么注意他了。
那时，他有个很不错的女朋友，他们整天出双入对。差不多一年以后，他们分手了，他很快又换了一个女朋友，可没多久又分手了。同学们都说他太花心了，找完一个又一个。对此我没有否认，因为我也这样觉得。
有一天放学后，我正准备收拾东西回家，突然听到有人在身后喊：“喂！怎么这么可怜，一个人回家啊？”我回头一看，是沈光。
“怎么，有事儿吗？”他想了一下，说：“我送你回家吧！”“可我们又不顺路……”
“那又怎样？只要你喜欢，我可以天天送你回家。”他坏坏地笑着说。
我没理他，背起书包要走，他却一把拉住我：“别走，做我女朋友好吗？”
我的脸顿时涨得通红，不敢看他，也不知道说什么。见我没出声，他马上说：“你不说话，我当你同意了！”
我怔怔地站在原地，看着沈光吹着口哨得意地离开，心里却在想：要不要尝试一下呢？谈一场恋爱，应该也不错吧。
我们就这样交往起来了。可是没多久，我就从同学那里听到了一个消息：沈光之所以追求我，是因为他当初和同学打了个赌，没想到，这么轻松就让他赢了。
我提出分手，是不想成为他的负担
我先是震惊，再是难过，我无论如何也没想到，我竟然像一枚棋子一样任他摆布，原来他真的是一个花心的男人！这样的他让我无法接受，我想和他做个了断，但不知为什么，我的心竟会如此痛苦。
我整整一周都没有理沈光，但他却仍旧默默关心着我：早上会帮我值日，中午会帮我打好饭菜，下了体育课会拿水给我喝。被他这样呵护着的感觉真的很好，而且我发现，我的眼睛越是不看他，我的心就越是想靠近他。
一天放学后，沈光递给我一封信，然后就那样站在我面前，要我把这封信读完：“你不理我，我只好写信给你……我知道你已经知道了一切，我承认是我不懂事，才会有这样错误的决定，但和你交往到现在，我发现我是真的喜欢上了你，你能原谅我吗？如果我就此失去你，这是我应该受到的惩罚，对不起……”
抬起头的时候，我的泪水已经弥漫了双眼。他紧锁着眉头，轻轻替我擦眼泪：“原谅我好吗？”
我没说话，只是拉起了他的手。我不知道我的选择是对还是错。也许是我真的无法放弃被一个人疼爱的温暖；也许是在我心里并没有真正怪他；也许是我自己都没发现，我已经深深地爱上了他……
时间过得很快，我们还有一年就要毕业了。有一天，沈光告诉我，他要考到一所更好的学校去。我为他高兴，却为即将到来的离别感到难过。沈光跟我说了很多事情，给我讲他的理想和压力、老师和父母的期望……从他的话语中，我渐渐听出了他的意思。
“你是不是想说，怕我会影响你的前途？”
“不是，我怕我到时候会因为想你而不能专心念书，这样我就辜负了我父母对我的希望了，你明白吗？”
我明白，只是我不懂，为什么要牺牲我们的爱情来换取他的前途？虽然很心痛，我还是说出了沈光想听的话，也许，这句话由我说出来，他的心会好过一些。
“我们分手吧！”
再次相逢，他说要做我一辈子的幸福
从前的爱情，就这样成为了过去，尽管沈光说希望我们以后还是朋友，但是我做不到。我总觉得，爱情和友情真的不是那么轻易就能转化的。
很遗憾，沈光最终没能考上理想的学校，后来我听说他找了一份工作；而我则在毕业后去了南方，开始了全新的生活。我们偶尔还是会联络，也会彼此牵挂，但是对于失去的爱情，我再也没有幻想过能在多年以后重新拥有。
时间过得真快，距离毕业已经三年了，今年再回到沈阳的时候，我已经24岁了。父母希望我安定下来，找一个真心爱我又能给我幸福的好男人结婚。我表面上附和着，心里却觉得很渺茫……
沈光怪我回来后没有第一个告诉他，还约我出来见面。在人来人往的中街步行街上，我见到了他，这是几年来，我们分手后的第一次见面。
“你过得好吗？开心吗？你变漂亮了……”沈光微笑着看着我。
是的，我变了，而他也成熟了许多，个子变高了，也胖了。我们聊着彼此的近况，也一起回忆了很多上学时的事情，最后他突然说要组织大家聚一聚，要我到时候一定得去，我答应了。
三年了，同学们或多或少都有了变化，有几个女生已经结婚了。那天，大家玩到了很晚。聚会结束后，沈光说要送我回家，我没有拒绝。坐在深夜的出租车里，他看着我，久久都没有说话。
“人是很奇怪的，有很多事情，曾经拥有时不懂得珍惜，等到失去以后才知道它的可贵。”他突然开口说话，我来不及反应，只轻轻地“嗯”了一声。
“这一年的工作让我学到了很多东西。人和人之间的竞争，同事之间的相处，和经理之间的相处，我真的觉得很累……”“你怎么突然说这些？”我奇怪地看着他。
“没什么，我只是觉得以前的自己太不成熟了，做事情也太莽撞，我伤害过你，还不止一次……对不起，真的。”
“事情都已经过去那么久了，还有说出来的必要吗？”我轻轻地问。
“我想得到你的原谅……”
“我并没有生你的气，我知道你当时的处境，换作是我，我或许也会这么做的。所以你不用想太多了。”我说的每一句话都是发自内心的，已经过了三年了，我早就学会了坚强，也早就不去想那些伤心的往事了。
那天之后，我几乎每天都会收到沈光的电话和短信，时不时他还会约我出去一起玩。终于有一天，他对我说：“做我女朋友好吗？”
“你又在开玩笑吧？”“不，在你面前，我再也不会说谎了。”
其实我应该很高兴的，这说明我仍然有吸引他的魅力，但为什么我就是高兴不起来呢？我想是我长大了，我变得理智、现实，甚至虚荣。我曾说过，一个人家里有没有钱并不重要，现在我却不这么想了。沈光如今还没有稳定的工作，现在的他什么也不能给我。
沈光仍然像从前一样关心着我，或者说比从前更好。他会在每天早上和晚上发来短信问候我，提醒我天气的变化；也会站在雪里等我下班，看他冻得浑身发抖的样子，我的心再一次动摇了。
前不久，他要去北京出差一个月，临走的时候，他说，希望能做我一辈子的幸福。要我想好答案，等他回来以后再告诉他。
他走了，留下我站在原地，心里十分矛盾。这个答案，究竟该是什么？
movie: The Notebook (2004)
http://www.filmcritic.com/misc/emporium.nsf/2a460f93626cd4678625624c007f2b46/d3a8f58777512d0d88256eba007ff9e9?OpenDocument
U.S. Box Office: $81,001,787
The Notebook
A film review by Norm Schrager - Copyright © 2004 Filmcritic.com
With just four films under Nick Cassavetes's belt, it's almost unfair to compare the director to his trailblazing father. In the case of The Notebook, however, it's unavoidable.
Thanks to papa John (Husbands, Gloria), the name Cassavetes has come to symbolize intrepid, no-apologies filmmaking and the unconventional human interaction within Now, 15 years after the maverick's death, his heir has traveled to the opposite pole, adapting a Nicholas Sparks novel into a standard tearjerker, filling the screen with handfuls of manipulative Hollywood clichés.
The Notebook chronicles the courtship of Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling, Murder by Numbers) and Allie Nelson (Mean Girls' Rachel McAdams), two feisty Southerners from vastly different social upbringings. Noah's a quiet lumberyard worker with a couple of bucks and Allie's a rich and studious go-getter with the world at her feet. Noah sees pretty miss Allie for the first time at a carnival just before WWII, and falls for her instantly. He chases her and quickly wins her heart, and the two enjoy the wistful type of first romance that makes anyone pine for a simpler time.
The acting pair is engaging (Gosling especially), the Southern front-porch atmosphere is inviting, and the film has a decent energy and pacing. The problem? A storytelling device that plunges The Notebook into the territory of CBS Hallmark specials. The fable of these young lovers is being told in flashback, as old-timer James Garner plays oral historian, passing the tale along to a not-all-there Gena Rowlands. As she repeatedly wonders aloud, "How will this story end?" it becomes glaringly apparent that the film's likable romance exists primarily to get to an overly weepy ending -- one that Cassavetes and screenwriter Jeremy Leven (Alex and Emma) enjoy shoving down our throats.
I'd bet this jumping back and forth along the timeline is essential in Sparks's novel, but it's wasteful onscreen, holding little of the emotion or tension that the filmmakers intended. This type of framework has been a stumbling block for solid Hollywood entertainment before, recently in Saving Private Ryan (the clunky narrative of the Normandy visit) and The Bridges of Madison County (the reading of notes and letters). The Notebook's problem, however, is worse: By hinging on the dynamic of the flashback, rather than its action and meaning, the past loses some of its heartache and sting, and the film feels like nothing but a means to an end.
In the 1940s scenes, Cassavetes gives us small spoonfuls of reality like disapproving parents, nervous lovers and even war. In the current day, we get an insulting Hollywood view of what appears to be Alzheimer's -- simply called "dementia," presumably so the filmmakers could play around with its effects for the sake of the story. We also get the film's most cursory, stagy dialogue, as well as performances that can't lift those words out of the muck.
Anyone can appreciate the power of love and the amazing things it can do. You can turn on 20/20 or Dateline about once a month and see incredible tales of how love and dedication help a family stay together or give an injured friend remarkable strength. Taking that concept to sappy levels in fiction carries little weight in comparison. Cassavetes doesn't provide the passion of say, a Lorenzo's Oil -- instead he gives us pieces of a romance novel (and I don't mean The Notebook itself) minus the steamy parts. We get young people starting out and old people at the end of the road, and are expected to take their lifetime love and commitment at face value… even though we never get to actually see it. If you want a Cassavetes film about real commitment, try Unhook the Stars. Or, better yet, try the senior Cassavetes' A Woman Under the Influence.
The DVD includes a substantial number of deleted scenes, two commentary tracks, and a few extra featurettes which the cultlike fans of this film will devour whole.
U.S. Box Office: $81,001,787
The Notebook
A film review by Norm Schrager - Copyright © 2004 Filmcritic.com
With just four films under Nick Cassavetes's belt, it's almost unfair to compare the director to his trailblazing father. In the case of The Notebook, however, it's unavoidable.
Thanks to papa John (Husbands, Gloria), the name Cassavetes has come to symbolize intrepid, no-apologies filmmaking and the unconventional human interaction within Now, 15 years after the maverick's death, his heir has traveled to the opposite pole, adapting a Nicholas Sparks novel into a standard tearjerker, filling the screen with handfuls of manipulative Hollywood clichés.
The Notebook chronicles the courtship of Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling, Murder by Numbers) and Allie Nelson (Mean Girls' Rachel McAdams), two feisty Southerners from vastly different social upbringings. Noah's a quiet lumberyard worker with a couple of bucks and Allie's a rich and studious go-getter with the world at her feet. Noah sees pretty miss Allie for the first time at a carnival just before WWII, and falls for her instantly. He chases her and quickly wins her heart, and the two enjoy the wistful type of first romance that makes anyone pine for a simpler time.
The acting pair is engaging (Gosling especially), the Southern front-porch atmosphere is inviting, and the film has a decent energy and pacing. The problem? A storytelling device that plunges The Notebook into the territory of CBS Hallmark specials. The fable of these young lovers is being told in flashback, as old-timer James Garner plays oral historian, passing the tale along to a not-all-there Gena Rowlands. As she repeatedly wonders aloud, "How will this story end?" it becomes glaringly apparent that the film's likable romance exists primarily to get to an overly weepy ending -- one that Cassavetes and screenwriter Jeremy Leven (Alex and Emma) enjoy shoving down our throats.
I'd bet this jumping back and forth along the timeline is essential in Sparks's novel, but it's wasteful onscreen, holding little of the emotion or tension that the filmmakers intended. This type of framework has been a stumbling block for solid Hollywood entertainment before, recently in Saving Private Ryan (the clunky narrative of the Normandy visit) and The Bridges of Madison County (the reading of notes and letters). The Notebook's problem, however, is worse: By hinging on the dynamic of the flashback, rather than its action and meaning, the past loses some of its heartache and sting, and the film feels like nothing but a means to an end.
In the 1940s scenes, Cassavetes gives us small spoonfuls of reality like disapproving parents, nervous lovers and even war. In the current day, we get an insulting Hollywood view of what appears to be Alzheimer's -- simply called "dementia," presumably so the filmmakers could play around with its effects for the sake of the story. We also get the film's most cursory, stagy dialogue, as well as performances that can't lift those words out of the muck.
Anyone can appreciate the power of love and the amazing things it can do. You can turn on 20/20 or Dateline about once a month and see incredible tales of how love and dedication help a family stay together or give an injured friend remarkable strength. Taking that concept to sappy levels in fiction carries little weight in comparison. Cassavetes doesn't provide the passion of say, a Lorenzo's Oil -- instead he gives us pieces of a romance novel (and I don't mean The Notebook itself) minus the steamy parts. We get young people starting out and old people at the end of the road, and are expected to take their lifetime love and commitment at face value… even though we never get to actually see it. If you want a Cassavetes film about real commitment, try Unhook the Stars. Or, better yet, try the senior Cassavetes' A Woman Under the Influence.
The DVD includes a substantial number of deleted scenes, two commentary tracks, and a few extra featurettes which the cultlike fans of this film will devour whole.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
movie: Definitely, Maybe
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809772239/info
U.S. Box Office: $31,973,840
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the 'ins' and 'outs' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that itâ¿¿s definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
*************
just saw this movie today and I loved it. I was the only teenage guy in the theatre also. The movie had a great message to it about always being happy. The little girl in this movie was also great she brought a lot to this movie, with out her this would not have been a good movie. The acting was good and the direction was especially good as well. I saw this with my dad today and it brought tears to his eyes. So this movie was also a tear jerker. For someone that loves romantic comedy movies I think would love this movie. It was a little slow moving but I kind of expected it to be. After it got near the end of the movie though it really got you thinking and wishing for him to end up with the girl he was meant to be with. It kind of also took little twists which were good as well. Ryan Reynolds did a terrific job in this movie playing a father who is going through a divorce. Then his daughter tries to help him find his true love. This movie was everything I hoped for so I think that you should definitely take someone to see this movie and have a great time.
U.S. Box Office: $31,973,840
A thirtysomething Manhattan dad is in the midst of a divorce when his 10-year-old daughter, Maya, starts to question him about his life before marriage. Maya wants to know absolutely everything about how her parents met and fell in love: Will's story begins in 1992, as a young, starry-eyed aspiring politician who moves to New York from Wisconsin in order to work on the presidential campaign. For Maya, Will relives his past as an idealistic young man learning the 'ins' and 'outs' of big city politics, and recounts the history of his romantic relationships with three very different women. Will hopelessly attempts a gentler version of his story for his daughter, and changes the names so Maya has to guess who is the woman her father finally married. Is her mother Will's college sweetheart, the dependable girl next door Emily? Is she his longtime best friend and confidante, the apolitical April? Or is she the free-spirited but ambitious journalist Summer? As Maya puts together the pieces of her dad's romantic puzzle, she begins to understand that love is not so simple or easy. And as Will tells her his tale, Maya helps him to understand that itâ¿¿s definitely never too late to go back--and maybe even possible to find a happy ending.
*************
just saw this movie today and I loved it. I was the only teenage guy in the theatre also. The movie had a great message to it about always being happy. The little girl in this movie was also great she brought a lot to this movie, with out her this would not have been a good movie. The acting was good and the direction was especially good as well. I saw this with my dad today and it brought tears to his eyes. So this movie was also a tear jerker. For someone that loves romantic comedy movies I think would love this movie. It was a little slow moving but I kind of expected it to be. After it got near the end of the movie though it really got you thinking and wishing for him to end up with the girl he was meant to be with. It kind of also took little twists which were good as well. Ryan Reynolds did a terrific job in this movie playing a father who is going through a divorce. Then his daughter tries to help him find his true love. This movie was everything I hoped for so I think that you should definitely take someone to see this movie and have a great time.
movie: Match Point
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1808680281/info
A one-time tennis pro, Chris Wilton was used to falling just short in his life. But when he befriends Tom Hewett and marries his sister, Chloe, the doors are opened to the kind of money and success that Chris had once only dreamed of having. Chris should have settled for happiness, but he is torn by his attraction to Tom's impossibly beautiful and alluring fiancée, Nola. The attraction turns to an obsession that forces Chris to make a critical choice. Now everything in his life hinges on whether or not Chris falls short again--and if his luck runs out.
U.S. Box Office: $23,089,926
Scarlett Johansson stars
in Woody Allen's latest
************
The Bounce of a Ball...
by tccandler (movies profile) Mar 24, 2008
150 of 176 people found this review helpful
There comes a point in a tennis match where the ball hits the top of the net. It bounces straight up in the air and, with a bit of luck, it falls your way. Woody Allen's "Match Point" explores that moment of luck and all the consequences of it. Is it all just a series of random events? Are some of us just luckier than others? Sometimes, the bounce we want is not the bounce we need.
Woody Allen is an awkward barometer of taste. You either like his writing or you don't. But even his most loyal fans have been restless with his latest offerings, chomping at the bit for him to try something other than a Manhattan relationship comedy with a neurotic lead male and a fine young thing as his muse.
"Match Point" is exactly what his fans wanted... A break from the routine as he delves into film-noir, class distinction and romantic thriller genres, all the while delivering the same brilliant, pitch-perfect dialogue that has come to define his work over the past thirty years.
This film evokes that nervous laughter you feel when the tension is almost unbearable. It is paced so relentlessly toward doom that you just want to scream something at the screen to help the characters avoid their inevitable fate. At one point, when the actions of the lead character are at a boiling point, I was practically begging that character to reconsider.
The screenplay is essentially a six character play. Chris (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is an ex-tennis pro who meets a wealthy family while teaching at an upper-crust London country club. He soon drifts into a pleasant relationship with the daughter Chloe (Emily Mortimer). There is nothing tremendously passionate about the two of them... It all just seems to fit.
Chloe's brother Tom (Matthew Goode) is engaged to Nola (Scarlett Johansson), a voluptuous and sexy American who is extremely aware of the effect she has on the men around her. Her impact is immediately felt by Chris, and the sparks fly as they secretly rendezvous behind their wealthy loved one's backs.
The final two characters are the stinking rich parents (Brian Cox & Penelope Wilton) of Chloe and Tom, who are virtually trying to buy the future happiness of their children.
I won't detail the ingenious plot in much detail, but needless to say, relationships boil and cool, people leave and come back, suspicions are ignited and extinguished. And we simply watch as Chris tries to juggle it all with the sole aim of landing on his feet safely.
It is a clever little story that will have your jaw dropped and your head scratched on more than one occasion. And the film does not compromise. It leaves us in the way a French thriller would... With more questions than we started. It is definitely a film that you will have fun discussing.
Woody delivers his best film in years. He does it in a genre you won't expect. And he does it with a cast that is so acutely precise with every word, every undertone of innuendo, every movement and glance. This is easily one of the best ensembles of the year.
"Match Point" is not a film where you will find likable characters... Hardly anyone in the film comes out clean on the other side. More than anything, this film will have you questioning the bounce of a ball as the key to it all. Is life just a series of fortunate or unfortunate breaks? I suppose it depends on your point of view.
TC CANDLER
A one-time tennis pro, Chris Wilton was used to falling just short in his life. But when he befriends Tom Hewett and marries his sister, Chloe, the doors are opened to the kind of money and success that Chris had once only dreamed of having. Chris should have settled for happiness, but he is torn by his attraction to Tom's impossibly beautiful and alluring fiancée, Nola. The attraction turns to an obsession that forces Chris to make a critical choice. Now everything in his life hinges on whether or not Chris falls short again--and if his luck runs out.
U.S. Box Office: $23,089,926
Scarlett Johansson stars
in Woody Allen's latest
************
The Bounce of a Ball...
by tccandler (movies profile) Mar 24, 2008
150 of 176 people found this review helpful
There comes a point in a tennis match where the ball hits the top of the net. It bounces straight up in the air and, with a bit of luck, it falls your way. Woody Allen's "Match Point" explores that moment of luck and all the consequences of it. Is it all just a series of random events? Are some of us just luckier than others? Sometimes, the bounce we want is not the bounce we need.
Woody Allen is an awkward barometer of taste. You either like his writing or you don't. But even his most loyal fans have been restless with his latest offerings, chomping at the bit for him to try something other than a Manhattan relationship comedy with a neurotic lead male and a fine young thing as his muse.
"Match Point" is exactly what his fans wanted... A break from the routine as he delves into film-noir, class distinction and romantic thriller genres, all the while delivering the same brilliant, pitch-perfect dialogue that has come to define his work over the past thirty years.
This film evokes that nervous laughter you feel when the tension is almost unbearable. It is paced so relentlessly toward doom that you just want to scream something at the screen to help the characters avoid their inevitable fate. At one point, when the actions of the lead character are at a boiling point, I was practically begging that character to reconsider.
The screenplay is essentially a six character play. Chris (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is an ex-tennis pro who meets a wealthy family while teaching at an upper-crust London country club. He soon drifts into a pleasant relationship with the daughter Chloe (Emily Mortimer). There is nothing tremendously passionate about the two of them... It all just seems to fit.
Chloe's brother Tom (Matthew Goode) is engaged to Nola (Scarlett Johansson), a voluptuous and sexy American who is extremely aware of the effect she has on the men around her. Her impact is immediately felt by Chris, and the sparks fly as they secretly rendezvous behind their wealthy loved one's backs.
The final two characters are the stinking rich parents (Brian Cox & Penelope Wilton) of Chloe and Tom, who are virtually trying to buy the future happiness of their children.
I won't detail the ingenious plot in much detail, but needless to say, relationships boil and cool, people leave and come back, suspicions are ignited and extinguished. And we simply watch as Chris tries to juggle it all with the sole aim of landing on his feet safely.
It is a clever little story that will have your jaw dropped and your head scratched on more than one occasion. And the film does not compromise. It leaves us in the way a French thriller would... With more questions than we started. It is definitely a film that you will have fun discussing.
Woody delivers his best film in years. He does it in a genre you won't expect. And he does it with a cast that is so acutely precise with every word, every undertone of innuendo, every movement and glance. This is easily one of the best ensembles of the year.
"Match Point" is not a film where you will find likable characters... Hardly anyone in the film comes out clean on the other side. More than anything, this film will have you questioning the bounce of a ball as the key to it all. Is life just a series of fortunate or unfortunate breaks? I suppose it depends on your point of view.
TC CANDLER
Friday, December 5, 2008
zt: Employers cut 533K jobs in Nov., most in 34 years
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081205/ap_on_bi_ge/financial_meltdown
WASHINGTON – Skittish employers slashed 533,000 jobs in November, the most in 34 years, catapulting the unemployment rate to 6.7 percent, dramatic proof the country is careening deeper into recession.
The new figures, released by the Labor Department Friday, showed the crucial employment market deteriorating at an alarmingly rapid clip, and handed Americans some more grim news right before the holidays.
As companies throttled back hiring, the unemployment rate bolted from 6.5 percent in October to 6.7 percent last month, a 15-year high.
"These numbers are shocking," said economist Joel Naroff, president of Naroff Economics Advisors. "Companies are sharply reacting to the economy's problems and slashing costs. They are not trying to ride it out."
The unemployment rate would have moved even higher if not for the exodus of 422,000 people from the work force. Economists thought many of those people probably abandoned their job searches out of sheer frustration. In November 2007, the jobless rate was at 4.7 percent.
The U.S. tipped into recession last December, a panel of experts declared earlier this week, confirming what many Americans already thought.
Since the start of the recession, the economy has lost 1.9 million jobs, the number of unemployed people increased by 2.7 million and the jobless rate rose by 1.7 percentage points.
President-elect Barack Obama said the dismal job news underscored the need for forceful action, even as he warned that the pain could not be quickly relieved.
"There are no quick or easy fixes to this crisis ... and it's likely to get worse before it gets better," Obama said. "At the same time, this ... provides us with an opportunity to transform our economy to improve the lives of ordinary people by rebuilding roads and modernizing schools for our children, investing in clean energy solutions to break our dependence on imported oil, and making an early down payment on the long-term reforms that will grow and strengthen our economy for all Americans for years to come."
To provide relief, the Bush administration will continue to concentrate on ways to bust through a credit jam that is feeding prominently into the economy's problems, Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez told The Associated Press in an interview. "We're going to stay focused on that like a laser," he said.
On Wall Street, stocks slid. The Dow Jones industrials were down more than 180 points in morning trading.
Job losses last month were widespread, hitting factories, construction companies, financial firms, retailers, leisure and hospitality, and others industries. The few places where gains were logged included the government, education and health services.
The loss of 533,000 payroll jobs was much deeper than the 320,000 job cuts economists were forecasting. The rise in the unemployment rate, however, wasn't as steep as the 6.8 percent rate they were expecting. Taken together, though, the employment picture clearly darkening.
The job reductions were the most since a whopping 602,000 positions were slashed in December 1974, when the country was in a severe recession.
All told, 10.3 million people were left unemployed as of November, while the number of employed was 144.3 million.
Job losses in September and October also turned out to be much worse. Employers cut 403,000 jobs in September, versus 284,000 previously estimated. Another 320,000 were chopped in October, compared with an initial estimate of 240,000.
Employers are slashing costs to the bone as they try to cope with sagging appetites from customers in the U.S. and in other countries, which are struggling with their own economic troubles.
The carnage — including the worst financial crisis since the 1930s — is hitting a wide range of companies.
In recent days, household names like General Motors Corp., AT&T Inc., DuPont, JPMorgan Chase & Co., as well as jet engine maker Pratt & Whitney, a subsidiary of United Technologies Corp., and mining company Freeport-McMoRan Copper & Gold Inc. announced layoffs.
Fighting for their survival, the chiefs of Chrysler LLC, General Motors and Ford Motor Co. returned to Capitol Hill Friday to again ask lawmakers for as much as $34 billion in emergency aid.
Workers with jobs saw modest wage gains. Average hourly earnings rose to $18.30 in November, a 0.4 percent increase from the previous month. Over the year, wages have grown 3.7 percent, but paychecks haven't stretched that far because of high prices for energy, food and other items.
Worn-out consumers battered by the job losses, shrinking nest eggs and tanking home values have retrenched, throwing the economy into a tailspin. As the unemployment rate continues to move higher, consumers will burrow further, dragging the economy down even more, a vicious cycle that Washington policymakers are trying to break.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected ratchet down a key interest rate — now near a historic low of 1 percent — by as much as a half-percentage point on Dec. 16 in a bid to breathe life into the moribund economy. Bernanke is exploring other economic revival options and wants the government to step up efforts to curb home foreclosures.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, whose department oversees the $700 billion financial bailout program, also is weighing new initiatives, even as his remaining days in office are numbered.
Obama, who takes office on Jan. 20, has called for a massive economic recovery bill to generate 2.5 million jobs over his first two years in office. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., has vowed to have a package ready on Inauguration Day for Obama's signature.
The measure, which could total $500 billion, would bankroll big public works projects to create jobs, provide aid to states to help with Medicaid costs, and provide money toward renewable energy development.
At 12 months and counting, the recession is longer than the 10-month average length of recessions since World War II. The record for the longest recession in the postwar period is 16 months, which was reached in the 1973-75 and 1981-82 downturns. The current recession might end up matching that or setting a record in terms of duration, analysts say.
The 1981-82 recession was the worst in terms of unemployment since the Great Depression. The jobless rate rose as high as 10.8 percent in late 1982, just as the recession ended, before inching down.
Given the current woes, the jobless rate could rise as high as 8.5 percent by the end of next year, some analysts predict. Projections, however, have to be taken with a grain of salt because of all the uncertainties plaguing the economy. Still, the unemployment rate often peaks after a recession has ended. That's because companies are reluctant to ramp up hiring until they feel certain the recovery has staying power.
WASHINGTON – Skittish employers slashed 533,000 jobs in November, the most in 34 years, catapulting the unemployment rate to 6.7 percent, dramatic proof the country is careening deeper into recession.
The new figures, released by the Labor Department Friday, showed the crucial employment market deteriorating at an alarmingly rapid clip, and handed Americans some more grim news right before the holidays.
As companies throttled back hiring, the unemployment rate bolted from 6.5 percent in October to 6.7 percent last month, a 15-year high.
"These numbers are shocking," said economist Joel Naroff, president of Naroff Economics Advisors. "Companies are sharply reacting to the economy's problems and slashing costs. They are not trying to ride it out."
The unemployment rate would have moved even higher if not for the exodus of 422,000 people from the work force. Economists thought many of those people probably abandoned their job searches out of sheer frustration. In November 2007, the jobless rate was at 4.7 percent.
The U.S. tipped into recession last December, a panel of experts declared earlier this week, confirming what many Americans already thought.
Since the start of the recession, the economy has lost 1.9 million jobs, the number of unemployed people increased by 2.7 million and the jobless rate rose by 1.7 percentage points.
President-elect Barack Obama said the dismal job news underscored the need for forceful action, even as he warned that the pain could not be quickly relieved.
"There are no quick or easy fixes to this crisis ... and it's likely to get worse before it gets better," Obama said. "At the same time, this ... provides us with an opportunity to transform our economy to improve the lives of ordinary people by rebuilding roads and modernizing schools for our children, investing in clean energy solutions to break our dependence on imported oil, and making an early down payment on the long-term reforms that will grow and strengthen our economy for all Americans for years to come."
To provide relief, the Bush administration will continue to concentrate on ways to bust through a credit jam that is feeding prominently into the economy's problems, Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez told The Associated Press in an interview. "We're going to stay focused on that like a laser," he said.
On Wall Street, stocks slid. The Dow Jones industrials were down more than 180 points in morning trading.
Job losses last month were widespread, hitting factories, construction companies, financial firms, retailers, leisure and hospitality, and others industries. The few places where gains were logged included the government, education and health services.
The loss of 533,000 payroll jobs was much deeper than the 320,000 job cuts economists were forecasting. The rise in the unemployment rate, however, wasn't as steep as the 6.8 percent rate they were expecting. Taken together, though, the employment picture clearly darkening.
The job reductions were the most since a whopping 602,000 positions were slashed in December 1974, when the country was in a severe recession.
All told, 10.3 million people were left unemployed as of November, while the number of employed was 144.3 million.
Job losses in September and October also turned out to be much worse. Employers cut 403,000 jobs in September, versus 284,000 previously estimated. Another 320,000 were chopped in October, compared with an initial estimate of 240,000.
Employers are slashing costs to the bone as they try to cope with sagging appetites from customers in the U.S. and in other countries, which are struggling with their own economic troubles.
The carnage — including the worst financial crisis since the 1930s — is hitting a wide range of companies.
In recent days, household names like General Motors Corp., AT&T Inc., DuPont, JPMorgan Chase & Co., as well as jet engine maker Pratt & Whitney, a subsidiary of United Technologies Corp., and mining company Freeport-McMoRan Copper & Gold Inc. announced layoffs.
Fighting for their survival, the chiefs of Chrysler LLC, General Motors and Ford Motor Co. returned to Capitol Hill Friday to again ask lawmakers for as much as $34 billion in emergency aid.
Workers with jobs saw modest wage gains. Average hourly earnings rose to $18.30 in November, a 0.4 percent increase from the previous month. Over the year, wages have grown 3.7 percent, but paychecks haven't stretched that far because of high prices for energy, food and other items.
Worn-out consumers battered by the job losses, shrinking nest eggs and tanking home values have retrenched, throwing the economy into a tailspin. As the unemployment rate continues to move higher, consumers will burrow further, dragging the economy down even more, a vicious cycle that Washington policymakers are trying to break.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is expected ratchet down a key interest rate — now near a historic low of 1 percent — by as much as a half-percentage point on Dec. 16 in a bid to breathe life into the moribund economy. Bernanke is exploring other economic revival options and wants the government to step up efforts to curb home foreclosures.
Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, whose department oversees the $700 billion financial bailout program, also is weighing new initiatives, even as his remaining days in office are numbered.
Obama, who takes office on Jan. 20, has called for a massive economic recovery bill to generate 2.5 million jobs over his first two years in office. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif., has vowed to have a package ready on Inauguration Day for Obama's signature.
The measure, which could total $500 billion, would bankroll big public works projects to create jobs, provide aid to states to help with Medicaid costs, and provide money toward renewable energy development.
At 12 months and counting, the recession is longer than the 10-month average length of recessions since World War II. The record for the longest recession in the postwar period is 16 months, which was reached in the 1973-75 and 1981-82 downturns. The current recession might end up matching that or setting a record in terms of duration, analysts say.
The 1981-82 recession was the worst in terms of unemployment since the Great Depression. The jobless rate rose as high as 10.8 percent in late 1982, just as the recession ended, before inching down.
Given the current woes, the jobless rate could rise as high as 8.5 percent by the end of next year, some analysts predict. Projections, however, have to be taken with a grain of salt because of all the uncertainties plaguing the economy. Still, the unemployment rate often peaks after a recession has ended. That's because companies are reluctant to ramp up hiring until they feel certain the recovery has staying power.
zt: 5 Ways to Keep Your Career Moving Forward
http://hotjobs.yahoo.com/career-articles-5_ways_to_keep_your_career_moving_forward-460
The old adage says, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," and its wisdom is applicable to job seekers. It is usually far easier to find another job if you're already employed. But how can you ensure that the worst never happens to you -- that you're never left without a job and possibilities for your next opportunity?
Here are five suggestions from career coach Deborah Brown-Volkman:
Keep thinking positive.
It sounds deceptively simple, but try embracing the power of positive thinking when you're thinking about your career. Says Brown-Volkman, "When you tell yourself something bad will happen to your job, something bad will probably happen. If you tell yourself that you are marketable and confident and that you will always be working, your words can make this true."
Keep thinking ahead.
If you're not following trends within your particular industry, you could be caught off guard by a layoff. Is your position or division vulnerable to outsourcing, further automation, or elimination? Brown-Volkman, whose practice is based in New York, says, "If your job is being eliminated or outsourced, you will want to know about it before you are in the room with the human resources person telling you that your job is going away."
She urges professionals, "Look for trends and then train yourself in growth areas. Having the right skills at the right time ensures that no matter what is happening around you, you will be needed and employable."
Keep your resume ready.
Having your resume at the ready gives you confidence. You always know that if opportunity casually knocks, you're prepared to answer. Brown-Volkman reminds her clients, "Even if you are not looking for work, your resume reminds you of the contributions you make on a regular basis, something you can easily forget when you are immersed in the day-to-day. Whether you are looking for a job, or you already have one, an updated resume is essential for your career."
Keep cultivating your network.
Brown-Volkman, author of "Don't Blow It: The Right Words for the Right Job," believes networking should always be a part of your professional life. She states, "If you start to network only when you need something, you will have a lot of catching up to do." Instead of waiting until the 11th hour, she advises workers to network in some way every day.
"Wherever there are people, there is an opportunity to network." She also urges workers to network within their own workplaces. If coworkers understand what you do and your value, this could help safeguard your job in dicey times.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
You're up on the trends. You're networking. You've got a current resume. You're thinking positive thoughts. Now it's time to get creative -- by creating your own opportunities.
Read up on what your peers are doing and what you aren't. Consider how you might strike out on your own -- or on the side. Brown-Volkman adds, "Rather than thinking, 'It cannot happen,' believe that what you want is possible and is within your reach. Then, make it happen."
The old adage says, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," and its wisdom is applicable to job seekers. It is usually far easier to find another job if you're already employed. But how can you ensure that the worst never happens to you -- that you're never left without a job and possibilities for your next opportunity?
Here are five suggestions from career coach Deborah Brown-Volkman:
Keep thinking positive.
It sounds deceptively simple, but try embracing the power of positive thinking when you're thinking about your career. Says Brown-Volkman, "When you tell yourself something bad will happen to your job, something bad will probably happen. If you tell yourself that you are marketable and confident and that you will always be working, your words can make this true."
Keep thinking ahead.
If you're not following trends within your particular industry, you could be caught off guard by a layoff. Is your position or division vulnerable to outsourcing, further automation, or elimination? Brown-Volkman, whose practice is based in New York, says, "If your job is being eliminated or outsourced, you will want to know about it before you are in the room with the human resources person telling you that your job is going away."
She urges professionals, "Look for trends and then train yourself in growth areas. Having the right skills at the right time ensures that no matter what is happening around you, you will be needed and employable."
Keep your resume ready.
Having your resume at the ready gives you confidence. You always know that if opportunity casually knocks, you're prepared to answer. Brown-Volkman reminds her clients, "Even if you are not looking for work, your resume reminds you of the contributions you make on a regular basis, something you can easily forget when you are immersed in the day-to-day. Whether you are looking for a job, or you already have one, an updated resume is essential for your career."
Keep cultivating your network.
Brown-Volkman, author of "Don't Blow It: The Right Words for the Right Job," believes networking should always be a part of your professional life. She states, "If you start to network only when you need something, you will have a lot of catching up to do." Instead of waiting until the 11th hour, she advises workers to network in some way every day.
"Wherever there are people, there is an opportunity to network." She also urges workers to network within their own workplaces. If coworkers understand what you do and your value, this could help safeguard your job in dicey times.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
You're up on the trends. You're networking. You've got a current resume. You're thinking positive thoughts. Now it's time to get creative -- by creating your own opportunities.
Read up on what your peers are doing and what you aren't. Consider how you might strike out on your own -- or on the side. Brown-Volkman adds, "Rather than thinking, 'It cannot happen,' believe that what you want is possible and is within your reach. Then, make it happen."
Monday, December 1, 2008
zt:Living Paycheck-to-Paycheck on $200k/year... The Story of a Failed FWF'er
http://www.fatwallet.com/forums/finance/869987/
I didn't always make a lot of money. Nor did I come from a wealthy family. Nope, I started on the bottom rung, worked hard, waited patiently, and finally one day, I woke up, and all of the sudden realized I was finally making some decenet money. Not big shot, second-home, his-and-her-7-series driving money, but better than most of the population, and certainly better than any of my friends or family. Combine that with being married to a fellow college grad with her own professional job, and between the two of us, we pull in around $200k per year. And we're living paycheck to paycheck.
Although this is an alternate name I created to hide the personal details from my usual login, I've been a regular FWF contributor for as long as I can remember. I've posted quite a bit here (I'm not one of the "biggies", but I have a good number of posts to my name, all with their fair share of green). I know all the conventional wisdom. I follow the Boglehead philosophy, know about how to allocate money, know all about the wonders of compound interest, and have read all the books. Tobias' Only Financial Guide You'll Ever Need? Check. Random Walk, check. Millionare Next Door, Your Money or Your Life, and even (sigh) Rich Dad Poor Dad, check check and check. How I got to where I am was both sobering and humbling, and I figured I'd tell the story just in case it might help anyone else. No sob story about medical expenses, divorce, or some scam business opportunity. Nope, my wife and I just let ourselves spend too much. No one to blame but us.
I first noticed a problem about a year ago. I figured that with $200k/year coming in, the budget I had figured we operated within would result in several hundred dollars of savings each month, even with a relatively plush lifestyle. Yet somehow, we always ended up net zero for the month. So a year ago, Quicken was purchased and maintained religiously. This month results in a full 12 months of data.
Like many, our biggest sink is the house. For four years, we lived in a nice little townhouse in a nice little neighborhood. But over time, we filled it with crap. Closets were full. Basement was full. Not enough room for all our stuff, as George Carlin would point out. So rather than curtail the stuff accumulation, we bought a bigger house. Nicer and bigger. Beautiful center hall colonial, with stone walls so thick you can put a large pizza on the windowsills and not have it hang over the edge.
Instantly, our base housing costs tripled. But if you do the math and apply the normal ratios, it wasn't anything we couldn't handle with a standard 30 year mortgage. Also note that we're not in NY or CA; houses and cost of living are middle-of-the-road in my city.
That old furniture? No way that would cut it! We "needed" all new stuff; a new dining room, living room, and bedroom. And while we got by fine with our old furniture, hey, we can afford the good stuff now, right? We dropped $30,000 on furnishing and decorating three rooms.
And so it went with other things. Sure, we were fine before, but a "small upgrade" to the next nicest whatever was well within our grasp. After a few years, what used to be an upgrade became what we were used to, and it isn't long until you decide that a little upgrade from THAT level won't hurt you either. The plain-jane cell phone that served you fine for almost two years begats a RAZR (when they first came out, they were expensive). The RAZR gets boring after about a year and begats an iPhone, with begats a 3g iPhone. Holy crap, now we send $2400/year to AT&T Wireless!
I used to wear clothes from Old Navy and be perfectly happy in them; I am fortunate enough to have friends who like me for me and not the labels on my shirt. But then I got a few things from Gap, and even though they're made in the same sweatshops, the Gap stuff really did look nicer on me. From then on, all new clothes were from the Gap, at 2x the cost. And the next year, I got a few things from J Crew, and they looked REALLY sharp. Now the majority of my clothes are from J Crew, and the cost of covering my ass with a pair of pants is up to $70. Add in some polos, sweaters, and some stuff for her, and our clothing bill was $3000 last year. Closets are already full at the new house.
We used to eat at home a lot and get take-out on occasion. "But we work a lot of hours and don't have time to cook", we said, so that justified getting take-out a lot with occasional trips to chain restaurants, which became frequent trips to non-chain restaurants. Which became trips to fancy restaurants. We spent $5000 on meals out last year. Even the meals we did have at home ballooned in cost- why have cod when you can afford Chilean Sea Bass? Groceries ran $4500 for the year for the two of us.
Happy hour specials at dive bars begat happy hours at sports bars, which begat happy hours at fancy bars in the city. And I know my friends have good jobs, but I have a REALLY good job, and I want to treat them to a round or two while we're out. We spent $4000 at bars last year.
Vacation? Sure, we had fun in Europe when we flew coach and stayed in cheap bed-and-breakfasts. But we can afford the NICE hotels now! And coach really does suck; we can splurge a little on an upgrade (I am a big guy, afterall). Our trip lasted 9 days, but paying off the $9000 the trip cost took a little longer.
Luxuries get sampled and become necessities. And while the pleasures you get from the finer things in life are nice, the pain that you experience if you ever have to give them up becomes huge. It wasn't any one thing, it was a train of connected "upgrades" to our lifestyle. And if you let the upgrade train get away from you, you all of the sudden realize that you're struggling to pay for the ticket.
I let it get away, and as a result, despite our relatively high income, we still haven't gotten our credit card down to 0 all year. It's not terribly high, but much like the horizon, it seems to stay just out of reach.
I'm not looking for advice here; I know that I need to cut the dining budget, the entertainment budget, the clothing budget, and several others, and somehow get used to a lifestyle that I was content with a mere three years ago. I'll ultimately take care of it. But there was no reason for a financially educated person to let himself get into this situation. I have thus far squandered an opportunity for long term security that few people in the world will get, and I feel that I've failed as a longtime FWF'er. And while it won't totally turn around today, or tomorrow, it has finally hit home that there's no income level that you can't spend your way out of.
If you made it all the way here, thanks for reading. Green for you.
_______
Nice post, and I can relate in a lot of areas. While I have a lot of input from FWFers and my own personal knowledge, all of that is good in theory. The knowledge/education part of being financially responsible isn't so hard as much as it is to actually put it to use.
I think the best thing that has worked for me is when I make paying down debt/saving the #1 priority/goal. Have I always made it the #1 priority? No. But when I have been focused and determined for that to trump all other wants/"needs", it kept me more disciplined. In your case I think it would help if both you and your wife are on board with whatever you value most.
With a 200K income living in a moderate cost area, I think you can find a balance between enjoying some of the nicer things you enjoy and paying down debt/saving. Of course, this comes from someone who doesn't have the level of combined income you do and lives in a mid-high cost area. Ultimately it comes down to needs vs. wants and what you value. This post makes it sound as if you know you need to identify what exactly those things are, and maybe that is something you and the wife need to discuss.
___
rated: posted: Nov. 30, 2008 @ 10:07p alert mods Thanks to the OP for posting. It is too his credit that he is at least aware of the problem and working down the path to fix the issue.
I have been blessed the last few years to be well paid, I make it a point to only spend a certain percentage (10%) of any bonus money and keep my spending to 50% max of my take home pay. I'm still very conservative in my spending because I'm just naturally frugal and I realize that it will either take one large mistake (buying too much house is the most common one I see locally in So. Cal.) or many small ones (taking on many or high recurring monthly costs) to wipe me out. I work at trying to not make either. It can be tough and I couldn't imagine doing it if married to someone other than a spouse who has the same ideas on spending and saving. I think the spenders win many battles in marriages.
I didn't always make a lot of money. Nor did I come from a wealthy family. Nope, I started on the bottom rung, worked hard, waited patiently, and finally one day, I woke up, and all of the sudden realized I was finally making some decenet money. Not big shot, second-home, his-and-her-7-series driving money, but better than most of the population, and certainly better than any of my friends or family. Combine that with being married to a fellow college grad with her own professional job, and between the two of us, we pull in around $200k per year. And we're living paycheck to paycheck.
Although this is an alternate name I created to hide the personal details from my usual login, I've been a regular FWF contributor for as long as I can remember. I've posted quite a bit here (I'm not one of the "biggies", but I have a good number of posts to my name, all with their fair share of green). I know all the conventional wisdom. I follow the Boglehead philosophy, know about how to allocate money, know all about the wonders of compound interest, and have read all the books. Tobias' Only Financial Guide You'll Ever Need? Check. Random Walk, check. Millionare Next Door, Your Money or Your Life, and even (sigh) Rich Dad Poor Dad, check check and check. How I got to where I am was both sobering and humbling, and I figured I'd tell the story just in case it might help anyone else. No sob story about medical expenses, divorce, or some scam business opportunity. Nope, my wife and I just let ourselves spend too much. No one to blame but us.
I first noticed a problem about a year ago. I figured that with $200k/year coming in, the budget I had figured we operated within would result in several hundred dollars of savings each month, even with a relatively plush lifestyle. Yet somehow, we always ended up net zero for the month. So a year ago, Quicken was purchased and maintained religiously. This month results in a full 12 months of data.
Like many, our biggest sink is the house. For four years, we lived in a nice little townhouse in a nice little neighborhood. But over time, we filled it with crap. Closets were full. Basement was full. Not enough room for all our stuff, as George Carlin would point out. So rather than curtail the stuff accumulation, we bought a bigger house. Nicer and bigger. Beautiful center hall colonial, with stone walls so thick you can put a large pizza on the windowsills and not have it hang over the edge.
Instantly, our base housing costs tripled. But if you do the math and apply the normal ratios, it wasn't anything we couldn't handle with a standard 30 year mortgage. Also note that we're not in NY or CA; houses and cost of living are middle-of-the-road in my city.
That old furniture? No way that would cut it! We "needed" all new stuff; a new dining room, living room, and bedroom. And while we got by fine with our old furniture, hey, we can afford the good stuff now, right? We dropped $30,000 on furnishing and decorating three rooms.
And so it went with other things. Sure, we were fine before, but a "small upgrade" to the next nicest whatever was well within our grasp. After a few years, what used to be an upgrade became what we were used to, and it isn't long until you decide that a little upgrade from THAT level won't hurt you either. The plain-jane cell phone that served you fine for almost two years begats a RAZR (when they first came out, they were expensive). The RAZR gets boring after about a year and begats an iPhone, with begats a 3g iPhone. Holy crap, now we send $2400/year to AT&T Wireless!
I used to wear clothes from Old Navy and be perfectly happy in them; I am fortunate enough to have friends who like me for me and not the labels on my shirt. But then I got a few things from Gap, and even though they're made in the same sweatshops, the Gap stuff really did look nicer on me. From then on, all new clothes were from the Gap, at 2x the cost. And the next year, I got a few things from J Crew, and they looked REALLY sharp. Now the majority of my clothes are from J Crew, and the cost of covering my ass with a pair of pants is up to $70. Add in some polos, sweaters, and some stuff for her, and our clothing bill was $3000 last year. Closets are already full at the new house.
We used to eat at home a lot and get take-out on occasion. "But we work a lot of hours and don't have time to cook", we said, so that justified getting take-out a lot with occasional trips to chain restaurants, which became frequent trips to non-chain restaurants. Which became trips to fancy restaurants. We spent $5000 on meals out last year. Even the meals we did have at home ballooned in cost- why have cod when you can afford Chilean Sea Bass? Groceries ran $4500 for the year for the two of us.
Happy hour specials at dive bars begat happy hours at sports bars, which begat happy hours at fancy bars in the city. And I know my friends have good jobs, but I have a REALLY good job, and I want to treat them to a round or two while we're out. We spent $4000 at bars last year.
Vacation? Sure, we had fun in Europe when we flew coach and stayed in cheap bed-and-breakfasts. But we can afford the NICE hotels now! And coach really does suck; we can splurge a little on an upgrade (I am a big guy, afterall). Our trip lasted 9 days, but paying off the $9000 the trip cost took a little longer.
Luxuries get sampled and become necessities. And while the pleasures you get from the finer things in life are nice, the pain that you experience if you ever have to give them up becomes huge. It wasn't any one thing, it was a train of connected "upgrades" to our lifestyle. And if you let the upgrade train get away from you, you all of the sudden realize that you're struggling to pay for the ticket.
I let it get away, and as a result, despite our relatively high income, we still haven't gotten our credit card down to 0 all year. It's not terribly high, but much like the horizon, it seems to stay just out of reach.
I'm not looking for advice here; I know that I need to cut the dining budget, the entertainment budget, the clothing budget, and several others, and somehow get used to a lifestyle that I was content with a mere three years ago. I'll ultimately take care of it. But there was no reason for a financially educated person to let himself get into this situation. I have thus far squandered an opportunity for long term security that few people in the world will get, and I feel that I've failed as a longtime FWF'er. And while it won't totally turn around today, or tomorrow, it has finally hit home that there's no income level that you can't spend your way out of.
If you made it all the way here, thanks for reading. Green for you.
_______
Nice post, and I can relate in a lot of areas. While I have a lot of input from FWFers and my own personal knowledge, all of that is good in theory. The knowledge/education part of being financially responsible isn't so hard as much as it is to actually put it to use.
I think the best thing that has worked for me is when I make paying down debt/saving the #1 priority/goal. Have I always made it the #1 priority? No. But when I have been focused and determined for that to trump all other wants/"needs", it kept me more disciplined. In your case I think it would help if both you and your wife are on board with whatever you value most.
With a 200K income living in a moderate cost area, I think you can find a balance between enjoying some of the nicer things you enjoy and paying down debt/saving. Of course, this comes from someone who doesn't have the level of combined income you do and lives in a mid-high cost area. Ultimately it comes down to needs vs. wants and what you value. This post makes it sound as if you know you need to identify what exactly those things are, and maybe that is something you and the wife need to discuss.
___
rated: posted: Nov. 30, 2008 @ 10:07p alert mods Thanks to the OP for posting. It is too his credit that he is at least aware of the problem and working down the path to fix the issue.
I have been blessed the last few years to be well paid, I make it a point to only spend a certain percentage (10%) of any bonus money and keep my spending to 50% max of my take home pay. I'm still very conservative in my spending because I'm just naturally frugal and I realize that it will either take one large mistake (buying too much house is the most common one I see locally in So. Cal.) or many small ones (taking on many or high recurring monthly costs) to wipe me out. I work at trying to not make either. It can be tough and I couldn't imagine doing it if married to someone other than a spouse who has the same ideas on spending and saving. I think the spenders win many battles in marriages.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)